I am now a nut cracker, and other odd things I want to share…..

Not really a nut cracker but definitely a knuckle cracker. I never like cracking knuckles. Creeped me out when others did it. I would never do it. I always heard it was bad for your joints. Now suddenly I catch myself cracking them at least five times a day!

Decided that part of the reason I can’t get out of bed in the morning is because with my heated sheet it is so warm and I don’t want to get out into the cold room. So last night I decided to not turn it on. I won’t make that mistake again! I had double yes, DOUBLE charlie cramps in my legs. I can still feel them hurting.

I have to renew my license this year. First tie since I have moved here. I would like to think I have changed physically but the number on the scale says differently.

I think cancer has taken my humor. I can’t seem to find it anywhere. I used to be somewhat funny. Smart funny at times even. Now I struggle to smile at anything I say.

I have only logged twice in the last month! How am I going to finish the big race that is one month! I have no idea .

I think it is odd that I get all of 50 in 50 Marathon (James) blogs emailed to me but his wife Paula at Never a Dull Bling (first blog I followed) doesn’t. I get Shameful Sheep but not Runner Girl or Diane’s Lady who reviews lunches. Why is that? I subscribe to the all the blogs the same way. Technology baffles this old body.

There are stressful things going on in my personal life that I feel I have no input in. In turn it is causing me to hot flash. I take meds to fight the hot flashes but the stress and anxiety always  wins.

I found bird poop on my car that looks like the mother mary. Even the birds are Jesuits in this city.

I want to tiptoe in the tulips this weekend but I am afraid it will only be green stems. No matter I am going on a road trip and I like it! Skagit Valley pictures to follow. That is if I ever take the time to really blog again.

OVERWHELMED!! that is a good word for my brain right now.

Okay that is enough venting to strangers.

 

 

 

Then there is this morning…….

There are mornings where I get up because I know that I can have a good cup of coffee if I do.

There are mornings when I get up because I have to. I have to water the yard. I have to do my workout. I have to do my homework. I have to go to work.

There are mornings, more of them lately where getting out of bed is difficult. Not because I am tired but because I physically struggle with it.

There are mornings where I overslept and have to rush around getting lunches made and shoes on, and out the door in record time.

There are mornings where I wake up from a dream that seemed so real that for a moment I am unaware of my surroundings.

Then there is this morning. This wonderful delicious morning that I am reminded that I have been fortunate enough to wake up one more time and be alive.

One more time for a good cup of coffee.

One more time to get the chance to take care of this yard we have earned One more chance to make myself stronger from a workout. One more chance to do homework that will make me a better, more confident and free person. One more chance to work hard at my job and be a good example to others.

One more time that even when it is hard to get out of bed I CAN GET OUT OF BED.

One more time that I can get ready in a pinch if I have to. I like being low maintenance.

One more time to understand my reality is beautiful. I have the husband who adores me, a son who hugs me and shares with me, a home that we own that makes me smile and never feels like work.

One more time to be thankful.. I am a fighter, survivor, mother, wife, sister, friend, neighbor, co-worker, dreamer.

This morning reminds me I have one more day of life that last year was questionable.

This morning reminds me that all things are possible but to focus on the points that really matter.

This morning is beautiful.

 

 

Stairs..

In this picture you may just see stairs. I see so much more.

When I was released from the hospital after the seven hour double mastectomy/reconstruction surgery I had to face stairs. It is funny to me that you could have such an intense surgery that basically is an amputation and they send you home the very next day. But that is not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the stairs.

We had two short flights of stairs to get to our apartment. My sister and husband were on each side of me. My son and his girlfriend were behind me. I was drugged, and tired and full of drainage tubes and bandages. Yet I had to get up those stairs to get to my home.

I remember my husband’s voice so clearly when we got to the top. He was so impressed and proud of me for taking the stairs like a champ. I guess I walked up them like a ‘normal’ person would. You know one foot on one step at a time. He was so proud of me.  It has been over a year and I can still hear him saying that in my head.

I like to make my husband proud of me. I catch myself doing things around the house hoping he will be impressed with what I got done. Like unpacking.

We recently moved from the cutest apartment in the world to a house. A house that will be our home. It has stairs leading to the master suite. This is a picture of those stairs. They creak on every step. They are steep. Yet none of that bothers me. Every time I walk up or down those stairs I think how far I have come from that day. How proud Keith is of me for walking up stairs. How thankful I am that I am capable and able to walk up and down stairs every day. That my knees and legs are strong enough. That I have balance and sure footedness. That I have strength and energy to go up and down these stairs several times a day.

My husband told me that when we get old we will have to convert the main floor into our living space because we won’t be able to make it up the stairs someday! I told him that if we keep going up and down the stairs our bodies will only get stronger and we won’t have to do that for a very long time. They are like a built-in treadmill/stairmaster.

These are my stairs. My victories. My motivations. My source of pride. One step at a time.

Finisher…..

I wanted to call this ‘Shift Your Thinking!’ Shift your thinking has been rambling in my head for about a week now. It is concept that I am struggling to grasp. Oh I know so many people who have figured it out and mastered it. I am not one of those enlightened people.  Truth is as this point in time I may never grasp it.

Round and round I go in my head. I want more, I need more. Just getting by is enough, just getting by is all I can do.

Enough.

I went and did Bloomsday 2017. I have the Finisher shirt to prove it. Trouble is I am unhappy with my time. I am unhappy with my lack of training. I am unhappy that I didn’t do better. I am unhappy that I got sunburnt. I just can’t seem to find the joy.

SHIFT YOUR THINKING RENEE!!

YOU DID BLOOMSDAY! You had freaking cancer and did chemo and surgeries and still set your mind to it and did f’n BLOOMSDAY! You finished on your feet jogging the last mile of it! You have run it slower twice before! You have had a long, dark, and cold winter and you got to do Bloomsday in the sun!!!!!!!!

I snapped a picture of me on a walk the other day and sent it to my friend. I said this “when I see this picture all I see is ‘even my boobs look fat’. When I should shift my thinking and say ‘wow, my boobs look huge!'” (it’s funny because my boobs are fake and will always be this size)

Why do I let myself tell myself such awful things? Is it our upbringing that if you say something good about yourself you must be conceited? That if you are not being humble then you are being a bitch? Shift your thinking. You can be humble and lift yourself up. You can see that you are worth the effort without being conceited. You can shift your thoughts to find the positive the productive the purpose. Shift.

I want to do better, yes. Is it wrong that I want to do better? No. Can I be proud of where I am at and what I want to do? Yes. Shift your thinking! Tell yourself you are a finisher. A finisher! Shift.

You learn to build walls to protect yourself from others words, yet we often let our own thoughts break us down swiftly. Shift.

Finisher. Finisher. Finisher. Shift.

In case you were wondering I did the 12k in 1:57 not bad for a newly 48-year-old who has only ever driven an automatic 😉 Shift.

 

 

I had good intentions……

Last night I prepared my stuff. Roast is in the crock pot with a special ingredients for the bacon taste testing going on this afternoon. Coffee maker filled with water ready to go at a touch of a button. Workout clothes and shoes laid out on the bathroom floor for easy access.

My intention was this I was going to get up and have my own Sunrise aka SON rise service this morning while on a one mile wog. One mile of worship music. One mile of slight dark yet prospect of the morning sun coming. One mile of training for a seven mile race that will be here in three weeks. One mile to make myself feel like I had accomplished something. One mile.

The result: sitting here typing about going for a simple wog and how I have already talked myself out of it.

#1 it is still too cold. I went out yesterday afternoon because the sun was out and I was too cold

#2 things are blooming. I came home yesterday with a runny nose and itchy eyes. This morning I could barely get them open because they were sealed shut with all that allergy gooey buildup! Eww and ow!

#3 my knee is really not well. Seriously stairs are hard without using a support and going slow. Yesterday in my walk I noticed that any type of incline is hard on it.

#4 we are going to church today so having my own commune time isn’t really necessary.

#5 the coffee pot is full so I should really drink that and warm up first before attempting any outdoor activity

#6 the roast needed attending too. I had to take time to shred it and check the seasoning.

#7 I can’t find any of my knit hats to cover my ears.

I have really good intentions. I really do! I have terrible, terrible follow  through and as you can see will come up with any excuse to justify why I haven’t gotten out. Revenge will have to wait until I can figure out how to trick my mind into it too!

PS The picture I used was from our little tulip trip. It is a picture I took through the front window of the car because it was ‘too cold’ to go out and get a closer look. I think there is a sea otter in there somewhere..or maybe an eagle? This is my failure at lazy photo taking!  Ha ha

Happy Easter to you all! And to my friends on here who get out and run Kudos to you! Now send some of the stick- to- it- ness to me!!

 

 

 

 

 

There was no tip toeing…….

TULIPS!! I love tulips. My favorite flower for as long as I can remember. The list is tulips, daisies, daffodils, sunflowers. Tulips are always at the top of the list of favorites.  When we moved to WA I had heard this stories of fields of tulips. I kept saying we should go. Then the season would be over and I would say ‘next year’. Eight years later and we were still saying ‘next year’. Having the year I had we have learned to not put things off. There may not be a next year.

I was so excited! I get to see the tulips, I get to see the tulips! Keith was excited because it was a road trip. Something we haven’t done for what feels like forever. He made all the plans. I had all the dreams.

It rained and stormed. It was cold and there were only a quarter of the tulip fields starting to bloom. IT DIDN’T MATTER! It was a dream come true for me. I could not stop smiling. I was there. I could see the acres getting ready to bloom, they just needed a little more sunshine. I could stand next to the rows that had bloom without having to fight big crowds. There were acres of yellow daffodils. There were manicured gardens that had hyacinth and larkspurs. My heart was so happy that it took every ounce of my energy to not cry. EVERY OUNCE OF MY ENERGY!  Keith was thrilled to see me so happy. I think it makes his heart full to see me happy.

We tried new restaurants and drove around the neighboring cities. We saw bald eagles and sea otters. It was a lovely trip.

I had posted on Facebook we were heading that way and a freind I haven’t seen in about three years contacted me and asked to come see the flowers with us. It was a nice surprise and a great time to hug.

I do feel really, really bad that I brought Bear with me for the trip so he could enjoy some good times with me YET forgot to mention to Paula (Neveradullbling) that we were road tripping. SHE LIVES ON THE WAY!! I was so enthralled with tulips and Keith so enthralled with a road trip it never even crossed our minds. Keith and I felt so bad about that. He was worried that we may have made them upset. I hope not, but I sent an apology gift just in case. ❤

Anyway here are some pictures from the trip. The trip that made my heart so happy it cried. The trip that made my heart warm.

 

A blogger friend did a review….good to know

Disclaimer: I received a Beachbody Performance System to review as part of being a BibRave Pro. Learn more about becoming a BibRave Pro (ambassador), and check out BibRave.com to review, find, and write race reviews! One of the great benefits of being a BibRavePro is the opportunity to not only represent the community at various races but also to test…

via Beachbody Performance Product Review — 50 in 50 Marathon Quest

me in a nutshell…. or the nut that is me?

Do you ever go through a time where you just decide to reinvent yourself all at once? That is where I am at. This will be random and ALL over the place… so may want to stop reading right here…

The new me includes: confidence, energy, encouragement, energy, being supportive, being an example, having energy, being contagious, and energy.

I have decided to tackle fitness coaching. I have dreams and desires. I want to work out with chemotherapy and recovering cancer patients. I would love to have my own fitness studio with a ‘clean room’ just for that. Or perhaps a mobile gym to go to them.

I want to read personal development books at a rapid rate so I can glean from them. Reshape myself. Become successful. I have about 10 years of hustle left I think. Unless I start channeling my inner Uncle Thom and then I have 30 years left.

I have become a Beachbody Coach (shameless plug) http://www.beachbodycoach.com/ReneeGaleSurvivor and am starting my first online challenge group tomorrow. I don’t even know if I will be able to complete it but I now have witness’ so I kind of have to!!

I am trying to volunteer more. Trying to be involved more. Trying to be the happy healthy energized person that makes people want to be near me. Makes people forget where I was one year ago.

I went dancing with my friends last night for the first time in almost two years. TWO YEARS!! I was so excited. I dressed up in green. I drank coffee to stay awake longer (I made it to 11)

Today I am sitting here in tears. I hurt all over. There are several explanations for the pain.I am old. I am in surgical menopause. I am on medication that causes bone and joint ache. I am out of shape. The last one is probably the biggest factor…well that and being old. Dancing and staying up late just remind me. I need to get myself in shape.

I am so thankful that my husband gets what I am trying to do. He knows I am trying so hard to prove to everyone that I am okay. He knows I am not always okay. Today he had to hug me a little longer before he left for work.

I am so thankful for my supervisor Janice. Poor thing has to help me muddle through basic tasks some days at work because I just simply forget how to. She also has to listen to me go on and on about the same old cancer/medicine/forgetful crap day in and day out. I am trying to change that too! She is my friend but really doesn’t need to hear about this stuff all the time.

I told you all over the place today. It has been too long. I find my desire to write is gone. Even my desire to read my friends blogs are gone. I am trying to correct this. I love to write. I love to read. I think I just need to write it into my daily schedule.

I forget sometimes that life is about changing and challenges. Adjusting and adapting. Learning and yearning. Sometimes it is about crying for a moment then putting on your running shoes and going for a wog. I forget sometimes that I still want revenge until the friend comes up to you this week and reminds you that she has to run by herself because she is still one color group ahead of you. Then the annoyed anger kicks in and reminds me of why I started here in the first place. Starting from the beginning is almost the same as starting all over. Right? Funning I said starting from the beginning and it totally made me think of the scene from ‘The Princess Bride’ when Indigo is drunk and waiting.

Sheesh ALL OVER THE PLACE… Friends should never let emotional, tired, in pain friends blog!!

Anyway I have no idea if even conveyed what I wanted to say in the first place…. nut job for sure.