Paperwork, dates, and questions oh my.

Turns out cancer is a paperwork nightmare!  Went in for my very first MRI ever yesterday. It was loud and awkward and a bit uncomfortable lying still  for twenty whole minutes. I am in the ‘tunnel’ and all these odd loud knocking, scraping, scifi noises are going on around me. At first I tried my yoga breathing to help relax me and keep my mind focused. It is very hard to get a good deep breath when you are lying on your sternum and have asthma. So then I decided to count the seconds so I would know exactly how much longer I had to be in there. But, if you have ever read any of my blogs you should know by know, counting, numbers, math.. not for me. Then I had this brilliant idea that I would pretend that I was in the original Disney movie Tron!!! You know the one with a very young Jeff Bridges  and Bruce Boxleitner. Of course when I tried to explain this to the young tech helping me she had never heard of the movie (or the reboot even and I kept thinking it was Kirk Douglas so I totally messed that up) But so you know the noises sounded very scifi-ish. So I kept picturing all the cheesey graphics in my head. You know doing what it takes.

The paperwork, oh the paperwork. I started with HR at work. They gave me paperwork for FMLA (job security) and for Disability for when my vacation and sick pay runs out I still get some income on my days out. I called the doctor office because they have to fill it out and mail it in for me. They will gladly fill the paperwork out but it is a $30 fee. This was a surprise to me. I asked the HR rep at work and she said more and more doctors offices are charging for it even though they are certified by the FMLA to fill it out. Crazy. All I can figure is there is so much paperwork involved in life today the office hire someone to do nothing but the paperwork and that is how they get paid. So now you know.

All the places ask you questions like: Have you had surgery before? What kind and what day. What day? I have no idea how long ago I had my tubes tied. It was sooooooo long ago!! When day did your last cycle end? Had my tubes tied, can’t get pregnant why should I keep track of that? So I just make up dates. I think I had surgery in 2003. That sounds plausible.

And now this, this paperwork came in the mail from the oncologist that I see in two weeks, yep two weeks but they want me to get a head start. The page I snapped a picture of simply states “check any symptoms that currently apply” As you can see it is tiny print. And are these symptoms that are only applying now because I have cancer?  I have only known about the cancer since the 3rd of Nov. so if they happened prior to my knowledge are they really from the cancer diagnosis? Weight gain, loss of appetite, excessive appetite, insomnia I have all of those for a long time. Nasal congestion, nasal drainage, sinus pressure, well ’tis the season. Of course I have some of those symptoms. Am I having my period, well not right as I am filling the paperwork out today but there is a good chance that when I see you on the 10th it has started. Muscle aches. Dryness in the skin. Changes in the nail  beds. Itching. Sore throat. Excessive thirst. Breast pain. Red eyes. Shortness of breath from exertion. Excessive snoring. If I was a hypochondriac I would be very concerned about all the items on the list.

I catch myself checking my skin color, questioning the itchy skin, second guessing my red eyes… oh my goodness.. It just cracks me up! How am I to honestly fill this out? Yes I am having lots of those symptoms, but I have struggled with most of them for many years…

Paperwork, dates, and questions oh my!!

Where is my wine?

 

 

What is it about Free Food?

Seriously?!?!?! The last week has been unusual to say the least. Work was closed because of power failure from the windstorm or I should say  #treeapocalypse2015 in the Inland Northwest. There are still homes and business’ without power even now as I type this. That makes 7 days. 7!!

Meanwhile since we were closed Wednesday and Thursday we worked all our Wednesday orders on Friday and worked 12 hours. Then we worked Thursday/ Friday orders on Saturday (are you confused yet, I was) and worked another 12 hour shift. To show their appreciation the company had lunch catered on Saturday. It was Longhorn BBQ. And it was delicious and I had  toHAVE a bit of everything including 2 cookies and a soda.. You know because it was free and all.

Then today was the traditional Apple Cup Tailgate party at work. You wear your favorite football teams jersey. Side note: I detest football. Last year I wore a ‘futbol’ aka soccer jersey. Anyway, the tailgate party was little smokies in BBQ sauce, fried chicken, potato salad, beans, salad, fruit, and lots of fixings…including MORE COOKIES!!!! It would be impolite to not eat a bit of everything, right? Including “carrots” which is what I call crunchy cheetos… (I can justify anything)

Also, during the outage we went to the casino for the buffet dinner since nothing else was open including grocery stores. (another justifiable excuse) and there I preceded to eat pretty much everything, because well, I have to get my moneys worth?!?!?!?

My body is saying….sweat pants? As You Wish.

 

My complaints..

I just posted on Facebook last night about how I have nothing to complain about. Or at least that I have no right to complain, ever.

Then this morning all I could think was how I wish I had never donated my ‘before’ clothes because I could use them right about now.

Nothing fits. Everything is too tight and shows off my lazy eating habits.  Seriously, there are rolls under those shirts and pants that are nothing but me. Not a six pack of rolls, or anything as pleasant and adorable as that. But those cheap 12 pack heat and serve rolls that I can never get enough of at Thanksgiving. And don’t forget to smother them with mashed potatoes and tons of gravy. For that matter just cover everything in gravy.

I would say that it has been a bad month but truthfully it has been a bad couple of years. I just don’t like to watch what I eat. I workout several times a week and started wogging a bit more than in the past, but the food, oh the food!!! I just love to eat. I justify it in my head, I workout so eating what I want is okay. It is not. It just takes a little longer to catch up to you.

I have always said that if a doctor told me how to eat I would do right by that. This is harder to do than I thought.

Per Dr.’s orders no more wine. Eat as organic as possible. Cut back on red meat.

Why can’t peanut M&M’s be organic?

 

A time will come soon when I will be on bed rest and restricted movement. I really need to curb this appetite accordingly. The holidays make it harder. The cold weather makes a desire for comfort food overwhelming.

Okay my complaining is over….for now. And I did save a bottle of champagne to celebrate when this whole detour/challenge is over!

7 stages

The experts claim there are seven stages of grief when you lose someone. Shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger depression, and acceptance/hope. I think the seven stages can be linked to other loses as well.

If you lose a race, you experience anger, disbelief, guilt, denial, and bargaining and eventually acceptance and hope that you will improve, get faster and do better next time.

If you lose a friend from emotional fallout, you experience anger, shock, guilt, depression and eventually acceptance that they were probably a toxic poison in your life from the start.

If you lose your wallet, you experience anger, guilt, bargaining, denial and disbelief and eventually acceptance and hope that you will find it and no one will steal your identity.

You stub your toe, you experience shock, bargaining, anger, and eventually acceptance that you are clumsy.

There is a saying ‘life goes on’ and there is an ultimate truth to that. No matter what ended in your world, a life, a friendship, a health the world keeps moving on with or without you. You CHOOSE to make it a learning experience. You CHOOSE to make it a healthier place in your mind to live. You CHOOSE to understand and make yourself a better person from the grieving process.

When I first got the ‘call’ I was in shock/disbelief and how can this be happening to me mode. I have plans of revenge, and fitness growth, and traveling, and motivating others. This is unacceptable.

Since it is the most mild form of breast cancer ever, and it is not a high priority I have thoughts of denial that maybe it isn’t even really an issue and if I pretend it isn’t there it won’t be.

I have bargained with myself over giving up my wine. Sigh, yes, I have to give up alcohol so I can be healthier and take preventive steps to reduce the chances of it reoccurring. But I keep saying that I will wean my self off slowly. After all I still have bottles of birthday wine sitting here.

I have experienced anger, and depression. Oh the depression comes and goes as it pleases. But my worst thing I have experienced to date is the desire to put my life on hold.

I am changing that today! I am still making my plans for revenge damn it! I am still going to get my HipHopHiits license this weekend. I am still pushing my Zumba classes (until surgery). I am still planning the movie date with friends for the last Hunger Games. I am still writing out my long term and short term goals and going to reach for them.

I will get back to interacting on my ‘Work it Out’ page of one minute workouts and motivation. I will get back to laughing and working out and savoring every moment of life. I will find my sense of humor again in all of this. It will be real, and sincere and raw and honest but I WILL HAVE HUMOR AGAIN!!

And I am sure I will experience all the stages again and again through the process and treatments, but it doesn’t have to define me, or put me on hold. It can shape me and make me smarter, funnier and hey even stronger.

Dreams

I may have to come up with another platform to talk about the cancer.

I want to keep my sense of humor and positive attitude alive and kicking. I mean come on I started a revenge blog. Not a woe is me blog. Although at times my wogging is totally a woe is me blog! 😀

Last night was the first night since the diagnosis that I wanted to cry. Not from pain or from the worry of the upcoming appointments and surgeries. But just because I really haven’t yet and I felt I needed too. Which I don’t want to do in front of my husband because he is trying to stay strong but is having a harder time it seems than I am. Hmm. Maybe I need to find a support group. I know they have them. And I need to look into volunteering with the American Cancer Society too.

The Dr. warned me that the cancer will affect my dreams. I found this to be true last night. It wan’t a dream of death. But of bad guys getting into my home and making me feel unsafe. My son said he caught 3 out of 4 of them and had them tied up in the bathroom. I caught the 4th one and tied him up with a phone cord ( if I have any young followers they may not know what that is) when I asked my son which bathroom he said the downstairs. I opened the door and it was empty. He then said maybe it was the upstairs one. I told him no, it wasn’t because I had just used that one. It turns out all the bad guys escaped. And somehow the one I caught got away too. My husband yelled down the stairs and said that since the house was empty and we were “safe” he was going to the store to get doughnuts.

In the dream I was left in a house of disarray and shambles. The husband gone thinking all is well. A son who simply felt he did his best and could do no more and me worried about the bad guys returning to the scene of the crime.

I think it is totally the cancer messing with my head!!

I keep saying I am fine. I feel good. I got this. It is my battle. My circus. My monkeys.

There is no rhyme or reason to this blog other than I need to have a place to safely talk about my dream. I haven’t told all my friends just a supportive circle and some family. I don’t want looks of sympathy or sorry. But after yesterday I think it is time for me to look into other outlets.

This revenge on my body thing is harder than the let’s get healthy and beat the wog time of a ‘friend’!!

Ugh. now I feel silly after reading this… oh well posting it will help me get it out of my head.

And I am, on the surface. Finding out my self conscious is not makes me reconsider my game plan.

My next 5K

I find it ironic  that I signed up to run the Susan G Koman 5K run in April (It is a pre-qualifier for the big revenge run in May) only to find out I will have to change my running status to ‘survivor’

I will keep wogging.

I will get my revenge.

Even if I have one less boob!! 😀

Memes…

“Richard Dawkins coined the term meme in his 1976 book “The Selfish Gene”. As conceived by Dawkins, a meme is a unit of cultural meaning, such as an idea or a value, that is passed from one generation to another. A meme is the cultural counterpart to the unit of physical heredity, the gene.” ~google

I am very actively active on Facebook. I see memes posted all day long. Some are funny. Some are cute. Some are dirty but fun. And then there are the ones that are trying to be encouraging. You see pictures of fit bodies all tanned and svelt running down a long desolate road, beating the odds, pushing themselves, and telling you to never quit, never give up, anyone can do it if they have their mind set on it, you too can be like the picture. Lift these weights, cut out sweets, blah blah blah blah. I am guilty of sharing a meme. It is so easy to to just hit the share button. And boom, you are now one of the millions of uncreative people posting crap just to post something.

I think we think we are being helpful to others by reposting these “encouraging” memes. That maybe it is a new profound thought. Or will make others move more. I am finding it to be nothing but dribble.

It is possible that in the new light of my latest test I am just annoyed by them.

My new Facebook challenge is NOT hit the share button. If I want to quote something I will take the time to actually type it out on my page. Yes, it takes more work. Yes, it may still be some encouraging dribble. But it will be something I really support or believe in because I took the time to type it out, in print, on purpose.

that is all. off my soapbox now.

Hope you liked the picture meme I choose today for this ranting blog. 🙂

#mylifeisshort #ichoosetolaugh #itiseasiertolove (my Facebook hashtags, because I am cool like that) “cool” 😉

My whirlwind adventure.

Friday: work 7 AM leave by 4 PM to head to the airport. I have a plane to catch. Catch the plane and head to Oakland for a short layover. Final destination reached, for the moment. 1:30 AM finally head hits the pillow.

Saturday: up at 8 AM to search for much needed coffee and nourishment. A very quick visit with our host and on the road by 9:30. Rented a Yaris. The car is as dumb as the name. Wasn’t sure it would make it up the hill. It did. Kind of.  11 AM catch up with the bridal party and start getting ready with the other bridesmaids. We laugh, drink mimosas, and I run around frantically trying to figure what I am supposed to do in the weeding. (I missed all the rehearsals)  2 PM head down to the wedding barn to help the bride finish getting ready. The weather is perfect. We dance down the aisle. I cry a little when the groom starts to tear up. So much love, so much happiness. Dancing and laughing and eating and drinking continues into the evening. Make it to the hotel room by 9 PM. I think I passed out at that point.

Sunday: 7 AM get up and pack. Head to the restaurant to see my family for breakfast and a quick hug. 9 PM fuel up the dumb Yaris (only six bucks for half a tank so that part is not dumb) and head back to the city to return the rental, go through security and catch the next plane. 2 PM fly out and head home. Arrived by 3:50 PM. It is cold and rainy and a bit foggy. 6 PM the number one son and his lady come over for dinner for a recap of our “day trip”. Fall into bed about 9 PM. I think I passed out again.

Monday: 5:30 AM alarm goes off and I get up to go back to work. Forced to face my reality again.

Memories were made. Laughter and hugs were shared. It was a much needed distraction.

It was a whirlwind adventure.

Fog

I live in the beautiful Inland Northwest. Our city motto is “Near Nature, Near Perfect”

I really honestly believe this motto. It is gorgeous here 9 months out of the year. Okay maybe 6 months out of the year.

The summers are generally in the low 90’s and every day that is 70 is perfect for me. There is green upon green upon green with beautiful bright flowers in between.

Old buildings and new ones all mixed on one block. Eclectic is another way I would describe this city. This “vibe” (I sound young and hip when I say ‘vibe’) is very unique.

As winter approaches I still see the beauty. The peacefulness of the season. Yet when I drive out there on the icy roads I tend to lose sight of that, quickly.

But these last few days there has been fog. I love the fog. I really do.

It levels the playing field.

It covers the road so that the mundane street now becomes an adventure.

It is inviting, intriguing, mysterious, frightening.

It makes me feel like I can get away with anything. That nothing happens, yet EVERYTHING is happening.

I feel like I could walk into the fog and disappear forever. I like to think that if I step into the thickest part a whole new world opens up to me. A world of wonder.

It makes broken things look whole and complete.

Fog makes trees seem stronger and taller.

It makes the air quiet.

I like the fog.

If I could bottle it I would. Then open the bottle every time I needed to feel embraced.

Fog.

Revenge

I started this blog because I wanted to get revenge on a friend for beating me in a local 12K run here in town.

She likes to rub it in, in a very ‘friendly’ yet mocking way.

It was enough to make me take wogging seriously. Well somewhat seriously. Enough to sign up for 5K’s and get out and move.

It started a whole process of ‘what else can I tackle?’ thoughts. I took a goal setting course and figured out things I wanted to pursue in life. This  included becoming an instructor in things  other than just Zumba. In order to do that I had to become a nationally certified group fitness instructor. For me that meant ACE American Council on Exercise. I studied for months. Seriously, for months! The information was overwhelming, more that I thought. I am old and learning new things is not as easy as it used to be.

My test was scheduled on October 31, 2015. The week of the test, my grandmother was put in the hospital. I had a mammogram, a doctor appointment, another mammogram and a biopsy. I was under a lot of stress.

I get to the testing site and I am a bundle of nerves. I get signed in and start my test. The very first question I almost started crying. I had no idea what they were asking or what the answer was!! All I could think was ‘I am so screwed’

Somehow I get through the test, I hit submit and wait. I PASSED!!! Oh my goodness I passed!!! All of a sudden I feel as though I can exhale again. I didn’t realize that I had been holding my breath for so long.

Now I have a new revenge in mind. It is more internal and personal. And I have to have all my strength to fight it. The other test results have come today. And the ugly “c word” is involved. Cancer. Breast cancer.

I have a positive attitude. I have confidence in my doctors. I will beat this. I will have revenge. And in time I will get out and wog again. After all, I have another goal to reach. 🙂