There was a sketch on Saturday Night Live many years ago making fun of President Bush and how he makes words up. They had the character say the word ‘strategery’ over and over in the bit. It was fun. It was years ago, yet I remember that word like it was today.
I have a friend that makes up words for herself to this day. She will say things like ‘the awesomtasticalness that is me’ and things like that.
My mother always said I just made up my own words when I couldn’t think of one that fit the moment. She would tease me about it often. I don’t really recall any of the words I made up. I do know for a fact that my brain is always three words ahead of my tongue and even as a grown up (kinda) I will spit words out that don’t make sense because I have already moved onto a different conversation in my head. Everything will get jumbled up and comes out funny. Anyone who spends any amount of time with me during the day has learned to understand ‘Renee speak’
I tend to text/email/post/tweet the same way. I will leave key words out. I only proofread AFTER I hit send. That is just how I am.
The word at the top. Well this is the new word for where I am mentally and emotionally. Scared, terrified, anxious, tired. Surgery: could be anywhere from 7-10 hours. That is a long time. It is eleven days away. It seems very close and yet VERY far away still. Will I ever be able to teach my classes again? How will this change me, my personality? Will I be funnier? Will I look older? Will I have energy again? Will I learn to love more? When will I get to shower again? How long will the pain last? Will I move like a T-Rex after the bi-lateral mastectomy? Is this the end of the cancer? Will it pop up in my lungs, or brain like it has in my family? Will I ever be normal again? Well as normal as I am now, that is to say, not normal but very me. How is my husband REALLY handling this? Will he tire of taking care of me?
Sometimes I can’t get the thoughts under control. Scared, terrified, anxious, tired. Hoping to one day say: relieved, rested, peaceful.