So many things….

#1 the feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming. Being home all day has played its toll on me. I try to keep busy and active and get out side, visit friends. Yet, there is still so much quiet alone time your brain begins to taunt you. It tells you that you will never be the same. That you will never get better. That you probably have other types of cancer too. That this is a nightmare that has taken away the quality and quantity of your life.

#2 actually put a Zumba DVD on, Abs and Legs. It is twenty minutes long. I modified it, had to, my arms can’t do some of the moves yet. Apparently I modified it so much that my Fitbit logged it as a walk! No matter, I did it and that was huge for me. Then I napped for hours.

#3 my boobs are healing. The scars have scabbed over and fallen off. They are all flesh colored scars now. They are still hard as rocks. They are still uncomfortable as all get out. A little TMI here but my husband is still turned on by my naked surgically altered body! Scars and all. Why, I really don’t know except that maybe love truly is blind.

#4 Aflac makes you feel insignificant. Your cancer is only worth a portion of the insurance you pay into. It stinks that they get to decide how much your cancer is worth paying for.

#5 I kind of had a breakdown/outburst at the oncologist Thursday. The Oncotype test has not come back yet. Mostly because it is not covered and Genomic Health waited to process it until they had verbal approval by me to go ahead. The test is $4620. I want it to come back as an 18 or lower. That means no chemotherapy. If I have to pay for the test at least if it comes back low it will be worth it. Otherwise it is like kicking me when I am down. Dr. was upset it wasn’t covered. He didn’t know that the results weren’t back yet and felt bad we paid a co-pay for nothing. He was nice enough to have them refund it. Then he said he will just call me with the results and we can go from there.

#6 Google is a wonderful thing, or possibly something that feeds nightmares. I am studying cancer as I go. I put in my staging. I shouldn’t have. I looked up symptoms of ovarian cancer. I shouldn’t have.

#7 I plan on walking the Susan G Komen race on April 17th. I raised over $200 so far. I signed up for the race as a pre-qualifier for Bloomsday. You know my original revenge plan. I signed up for it the day before my diagnosis. I may not be able to run it, but I will be in it as a survivor.

#8 I know, long winded today. It’s been awhile since I blogged and there are so many things going on in my head.

#9 Bloomsday. I am hesitant to do it this year. If I walk it, it could knock my time back and push me back in color groups. Not a fan of that idea. The further back you go in colors the harder to get through the crowds and improve your time. If I just don’t show up it doesn’t change the group I am in now. I have a hard time with not going. It is a tradition for me. I have only missed once since I moved here. It is fun for me. I love the crowds, the atmosphere, the dedication of so many, the enjoyment families and friends get from being a part of Spokane history. I feed off the collective energy. Not sure yet what I am gong to do.

#10 I feel as though everything in my life is on hold right now. I can’t plan anything until I know if I have to do chemotherapy. If I have to do it I won’t know how strong I will be until after treatment starts. Bleh. Annoying.

#11 I go back to work Monday. Part time to start. I am very excited to have a sense of purpose again. I like working. I like Mondays. Mostly I like the people I work with. I miss the social interactions. As I mentioned at the beginning, the loneliness messes with my head.

#12 I am actively looking to start an online workout class. I am also trying to get a workout class started for women fighting breast cancer. Exercise, even the small amounts I started with is what is getting me through a lot of this. I want to help others. I think exercise is so important when you battle cancer. It keeps your mind occupied on positive movement. I just don’t know where to start.

#13 this I know. My life is short. I choose to laugh. It is easier to love. Onward and Upward.



Rabbit ears.

Yes, this is a REAL picture of the antenna setup in my bedroom.

Yes, there is one silver extending metal thingy missing. (technical term)

Once upon a time we had cable. That is a blog all unto itself. Now we have rabbit ears and get a few channels if the weather permits.

Tonight the channel we wanted to watch kept going out. The timing of it was perfect. Every punch line, story shift, scene change the television would static or black out. No, it is not the Bachelor.

I came into the bedroom to see if I could pick it up. I start messing with all the silver extending metal thingys. Turn all the knobs and move the boxes around. Suddenly I get a clear picture that seems to be staying. Naturally I can’t move now.

I tried to call for my husband so he could watch with me. I am afraid to even move my chin in fear that it would go out again. I begin calling quietly out of the side of my mouth. One hand on the antenna box the other pointing directly at the screen. He can’t hear me. I try to speak louder out of the side of my mouth being ever so careful to not move. Finally he hears me. I tell him in side mouth quiet words to stand in the hallway and peer cautiously through the bedroom door. He doesn’t quite understand me and I speak up and tell him if he stands in the hallway we can watch our show together.

Of course the second I speak louder I loose the picture. Curses! No really, curses ensued.

Perhaps if I place rolled up balls of aluminum foil on the ends of the silver extending metal thingys I will have better reception.

And now you all know that I am old and cheap.




It doesn’t count.



In the past six years I have become a very ‘get stronger and fitter’ minded person. Do I have it down? No. Am I the weight and BMI “they” want me to be? No. Do I care about the size on my tags? No, well maybe yes. Do I care that I am lowering my cholesterol and blood pressure and other possible health issues? Yes. Have I made good strides? Yes. Is it easy? Hell no! Do I keep trying? Yes.

So with that in mind, and the common knowledge of my regulars that I am fighting breast cancer, I am not as active as I wish I could be. I do know one day I will be again. So my husband and I bought Fitbits last weekend.

He is really impressed with it. He has never had a tracker before. I used to have a Jawbone years ago. I caught him the last two nights pacing the apartment to get his last few steps. 🙂 Cracks me up.

I am no where near the steps I need in a day yet. Each day I try to get a few more in. Yesterday I did reach the goal of 10 flights of stairs in one day. We live on the second floor, so I just hit the stairs five times.

Today a friend of mine sent me the Weekend Warriors challenge. More steps than all your friends in the challenge over the weekend. I know I will not win because of the fatigue that hits me pretty hard still. However, I did join so I can be a part of something and interact.

I have 441 steps in so far today. When getting my cup of coffee I took several laps around the apartment to build them up. I checked to see where I am at. Oh no my Fitbit battery is dead!!! No!! I need those steps!

So I have to charge it. Takes about two hours. I need to get another cup of coffee and some breakfast but I REFUSE to move until it is fully charged. Yep, sitting here reading blogs, playing on Facebook, checking emails and any other distractions I can do from the comfort of my bed. No wasted unaccounted for steps from me today! No sir, no how!

It is like the age old saying ‘if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?’ If you take steps without your Fitbit do they really count? 🙂


Anyway hope you have an active and fun day.