#1 the feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming. Being home all day has played its toll on me. I try to keep busy and active and get out side, visit friends. Yet, there is still so much quiet alone time your brain begins to taunt you. It tells you that you will never be the same. That you will never get better. That you probably have other types of cancer too. That this is a nightmare that has taken away the quality and quantity of your life.
#2 actually put a Zumba DVD on, Abs and Legs. It is twenty minutes long. I modified it, had to, my arms can’t do some of the moves yet. Apparently I modified it so much that my Fitbit logged it as a walk! No matter, I did it and that was huge for me. Then I napped for hours.
#3 my boobs are healing. The scars have scabbed over and fallen off. They are all flesh colored scars now. They are still hard as rocks. They are still uncomfortable as all get out. A little TMI here but my husband is still turned on by my naked surgically altered body! Scars and all. Why, I really don’t know except that maybe love truly is blind.
#4 Aflac makes you feel insignificant. Your cancer is only worth a portion of the insurance you pay into. It stinks that they get to decide how much your cancer is worth paying for.
#5 I kind of had a breakdown/outburst at the oncologist Thursday. The Oncotype test has not come back yet. Mostly because it is not covered and Genomic Health waited to process it until they had verbal approval by me to go ahead. The test is $4620. I want it to come back as an 18 or lower. That means no chemotherapy. If I have to pay for the test at least if it comes back low it will be worth it. Otherwise it is like kicking me when I am down. Dr. was upset it wasn’t covered. He didn’t know that the results weren’t back yet and felt bad we paid a co-pay for nothing. He was nice enough to have them refund it. Then he said he will just call me with the results and we can go from there.
#6 Google is a wonderful thing, or possibly something that feeds nightmares. I am studying cancer as I go. I put in my staging. I shouldn’t have. I looked up symptoms of ovarian cancer. I shouldn’t have.
#7 I plan on walking the Susan G Komen race on April 17th. I raised over $200 so far. I signed up for the race as a pre-qualifier for Bloomsday. You know my original revenge plan. I signed up for it the day before my diagnosis. I may not be able to run it, but I will be in it as a survivor.
#8 I know, long winded today. It’s been awhile since I blogged and there are so many things going on in my head.
#9 Bloomsday. I am hesitant to do it this year. If I walk it, it could knock my time back and push me back in color groups. Not a fan of that idea. The further back you go in colors the harder to get through the crowds and improve your time. If I just don’t show up it doesn’t change the group I am in now. I have a hard time with not going. It is a tradition for me. I have only missed once since I moved here. It is fun for me. I love the crowds, the atmosphere, the dedication of so many, the enjoyment families and friends get from being a part of Spokane history. I feed off the collective energy. Not sure yet what I am gong to do.
#10 I feel as though everything in my life is on hold right now. I can’t plan anything until I know if I have to do chemotherapy. If I have to do it I won’t know how strong I will be until after treatment starts. Bleh. Annoying.
#11 I go back to work Monday. Part time to start. I am very excited to have a sense of purpose again. I like working. I like Mondays. Mostly I like the people I work with. I miss the social interactions. As I mentioned at the beginning, the loneliness messes with my head.
#12 I am actively looking to start an online workout class. I am also trying to get a workout class started for women fighting breast cancer. Exercise, even the small amounts I started with is what is getting me through a lot of this. I want to help others. I think exercise is so important when you battle cancer. It keeps your mind occupied on positive movement. I just don’t know where to start.
#13 this I know. My life is short. I choose to laugh. It is easier to love. Onward and Upward.