So the other day (the today post) I woke up depressed. In fact it has happened three days in a row now. When I called the Case Manager she said I needed to go outside and breathe in fresh air. She is in AZ much easier said than done than in the Inland Northwest. However I took her words to heart. I needed to shake the funk. So I poured my bowl of Grape Nuts and went out on my cove to breathe in the fresh air. Then I thought, hey I can do calf raises while I eat my cereal. Adventure one.

I counted as I did them. 50 that was easy do lets do 50 more. It felt so great to do some type of exercise!!!! Side note, I am still sore today. Getting out of bed is more challenging than it already was. I have to wait for the boobs to balance out now I have to wait until I can put weight on my legs too!

Went out to breakfast with my little family of four yesterday. I was craving good hash browns. I can not make hash browns. This is a true fact. So texted my son and his lady and we met up for breakfast at the local greasy diner. It was a wonderful breakfast. We talked and talked and very little of it was about my health. It was what I needed.

It was the first time I had eaten out since Jan. 14th. Adventure two.

Went to the local organic health food store for grocery shopping after breakfast. I found fruits and veggies and organic meats. First time for grocery shopping since the surgery.

I actually made dinner that night by myself. Adventure three.

Signed up and started studying for my Weight Management and Behavioral Changes via ACE Fitness (that is who I have my group fitness license through) I am already on Module 6 out of 9 so I am nearly done. Next certification is going to be Nutrition within my scope of practice. I am very excited to work this into my online groups and possibly into my workout classes, whenever I will be allowed to workout again.

Studying and planning. Adventure four.

Seeing the Oncologist for the first time after surgery. He will decide what treatments, if any I will need to do now. I have no idea what will happen.

Totally in the dark. Adventure five.

Dying my roots today. Groots is what I actually call them. You know gray roots. Get it? also updating my pink. I always have pink in my hair. I think it is important and it is even more fitting now. This means I will be taking my second shower since surgery. This is still a challenge.

Dying hair and shower with a pit shave. Adventure six.

What kind of adventures are you enjoying/hating? I would love to hear about them. Post your comments or share your thoughts. Any interaction I get always brightens my day.

Love an adventure. You can find them anywhere.


The day…

The day started differently somehow. Nothing noticeable. I just feel differently.

The day is emotional.

The day is lonely.

The day consists of calling a total stranger with the title of Case Manager Nurse in AZ just to have someone to talk to about feeling…differently.

The day is long.

The day is worrisome with the genetics appointment today.

The day revolves around continuing education and eating fruit.

The day has tears. Uncalled for tears.

The day has tears. Possibly necessary tears.

The day as I wrote in my journal just feels ‘icky’.

The day is half way over.

The day I don’t want to repeat.

The day I acknowledge my fears/concerns.

The day is a Friday that has lost its meaning.

The day I will learn to embrace.

I put on pants!!

I know this is not something revolutionary. But today I was so excited to be getting out my last drain that I actually put on pants!!  I refer to these affectionately as my ‘fat’ pants. I call them that because when it is my period and I am super bloated these will fit. So you know, fat pants.

I will admit I could barely get them zipped and buttoned. Thanks to lack of exercise and poor food choices this last month or so. But here is proof I got them on. I did it all by myself. Hubby is at work and I found a friend to take me to the appointment. The other thing I am super proud of in this picture… I put on real shoes that had to be tied. I have been going out in sweats and slip on boots. It is just more convenient a.k.a. effortless.

I was just so excited to get the last drain out I felt I could celebrate with real clothes!! The best part of getting the drain out is in twenty fours hours I get to take a real honest to goodness shower. I may blog about that tomorrow just don’t expect a picture.

Things I am learning:

Now that I was the latest victim to the on growing cancer attacks, I have to say I have learned a lot of what needs exist. My dear husband has taken on the responsibility of my full time care provider. This is not a light duty task. This is a 24 hour task that should never be taken for granted.

He loves me more than I can ever comprehend or possibly ever repay. He took time off work to help in my care process. This process involves, well everything and then some (remember shots in the abs). The husband is already the head provider of our little family. He is also the dish washer and laundry doer. Then he took on meals, medicating in the middle of the night, mother-in-law, chauffeur, and so much more. Trying to fit in a few days of work so to keep being the primary provider. Meanwhile continuing his online schooling a particularly challenging class this semester.

I am going to share what needs there may actually be if you have a friend or loved going through something that has them bed ridden for some time and their spouse is the primary care giver.

#1: Food is great, but people are picky eaters. My husband for example eats no fruit and veggies, ever. I think it would be more helpful for my husband if someone would come babysit while he runs to the store to pick up foods we will eat.

#2 Visits are lovely moments of cheer. But too long is exhausting. Come visit for a short while, do a chore, then leave.

#3 So many people say ‘just ask and I will do anything to help’ HA! If you’ve met me you would know I am the doer not the receiver! It is so hard to ask. And, well how many men do you know that will ask for help? Just make a plan to come, do the dishes, take out the trash or run an errand for the care giver. Just do it. Don’t wait to be asked. It may never happen.

#4 Communication. This is tricky but huge. I don’t know if you will ever understand this but cancer makes you feel alone. It is a state of being where you do not want to be alone but you really want to be left alone. It messes with your brain like that. Getting a text or an email or even a private IM on Facebook from those who know what is going on is, well HUGE. It honestly is. Just a quick text to say Good Morning! or Happy February! anything is very thoughtful and enough to bring your heart to a cheery mood again. This is something I am learning to do in general with the people in my life that I care about. Checking in on them with something uplifting or positive. On a fairly regular basis. It is just a nice feeling in sickness and health.

These are just some of the things I am learning. Going through this will help me be a better friend when someone I know is going through something and has a loved one as their care provider. Just thought I would share.



Hello my name is Renee. I live in my pajamas. I put on sweats and slip on boots when I have to go out. I eat everything in site. I am not allowed to work out. I am going stir crazy.  I want to read but the meds make it hard to focus. I am totally caught up on Beverly Hillbilly’s and Petticoat Junction. I am annoyed with my uncomfortable drains and breast binder. I am tired of being tired. Life’s curveballs are sometimes really dumb. Being flexible is not always easy.

Complaining over.

Fucked Up

Through the Fog poetry

I questioned you,
When I wanted to ask for help…
I didn’t know what to do,
Or how to be myself…

I’m so sorry,
I didn’t understand…
When I pushed you away,
It fucked up more than my hand.

We survived,
Though I can’t say
I’ve thrived,
I had to die
To stay alive…

I feel your soul, shivering-
Do you hear me, whispering?

I have a heart
With strong shutters,
Longing to keep you warm-
But, I can only show the fire,
I can’t pull you from the storm.


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