Everything and nothing are going through my head all at once.
I feel like nesting. Prepping food for my husband like I am going away for a long time.
I have moments of fear. I can hear my mom quoting scriptures at me about how that is wrong…having fear that is. So I dismiss them.
I have thoughts of having no idea what I am doing in a moment, even though it is right in front of me.
Everything is suspended. Floating in the air around me. I wait for it all to crash at once.
I think I have a strong mindset. Mental over matter. Yet, that dismissed fear reminds me of the consequences of my actions.
I see my husband worn out, tired, making comments of how much his life has changed because of me and it hurts to know that I can’t go through this without him, yet I don’t want him to go through this with me.
I worry about my boss. Covering all shifts. Working through the flu because I couldn’t come to work. I still can’t cover for her to get a break.
I am helpless to help others. I have to think about helping myself. I have to think about the daunting fight in front of me. I have to think about how hard it will be to get out of bed, eat healthy, go to work, not vomit, stay awake, workout.
And then all the thoughts come together and leave all at once. I can’t put my finger on one thing at a time.
Positive in, negative out. positive in, negative out. Breathe in breathe out.
One moment at a time. One POSITIVE moment at a time.
It is for the greater good. It is for the long haul health. It is to get revenge on the cancer.