No socks? No problem.

Come as you are.

Sometimes it is a party invite.

Sometimes it is how some churches speak and even practice.

Sometimes it is how your friends really feel.

Today it is how the chemo clinic is beckoning.

Come comfortable. Pajamas are okay.

I plan on coming filled with Midol, in my comfy sweats, something with green on so they don’t pinch me any harder and pink slippers, no socks.

Glad I still have a great pedicure in case my feet get sweaty.

#mylifeisshort #ichoosetolaugh #itiseasiertolove #onwardandupward #forthegreatergood #lookingtofindmypeace #mysocksrarelymatch #seriouslymyperiodandchemo #revengelife

 

Nothing, blank, nada……

Everything and nothing are going through my head all at once.

Breathe..just breathe.

I feel like nesting. Prepping food for my husband like I am going away for a long time.

Breathe….just breathe

I have moments of fear. I can hear my mom quoting scriptures at me about how that is wrong…having fear that is. So I dismiss them.

Breathe…just breathe

I have thoughts of having no idea what I am doing in a moment, even though it is right in front of me.

Breathe…just breathe

Everything is suspended. Floating in the air around me. I wait for it all to crash at once.

Breathe…just breathe

I think I have a strong mindset. Mental over matter. Yet, that dismissed fear reminds me of the consequences of my actions.

Breathe…just breathe.

I see my husband worn out, tired, making comments of how much his life has changed because of me and it hurts to know that I can’t go through this without him, yet I don’t want him to go through this with me.

Breathe…just breathe

I worry about my boss. Covering all shifts. Working through the flu because I couldn’t come to work. I still can’t cover for her to get a break.

Breathe…just breathe

I am helpless to help others. I have to think about helping myself. I have to think about the daunting fight in front of me. I have to think about how hard it will be to get out of bed, eat healthy, go to work, not vomit, stay awake, workout.

Breathe…just breathe.

And then all the thoughts come together and leave all at once. I can’t put my finger on one thing at a time.

Breathe…just breathe.

Positive in, negative out. positive in, negative out. Breathe in breathe out.

One moment at a time. One POSITIVE moment at a time.
It is for the greater good. It is for the long haul health. It is to get revenge on the cancer.

Just breathe.

Cheerleaders coming out of the woodwork…

I am a cheerleader. Seriously, I was in my young life all through high school. I was raised in a very small town, with very conservative parents who were strict about a social life. With that said, being able to partake in a sport with a short skirt and after school practices, games on the road and obligations for home games, it was a life changing experience.

Now I was NOT a pom pom girl. Back in the day they had cheer squads and then the dancing pom pom girls. Now they incorporate them into one team. I don’t know if I would have made that squad. I have no rhythm. Which makes me a very interesting Zumba instructor for sure. Being a cheerleader in school was one of my favorite things. The workouts, the creativity, the friendships that have carried over into today.

I believe that being a cheerleader in school has seeped into my personality. Never mind the fact that I also have B+ blood type!! 😉 I have somehow become the cheerleader for my friends and loved ones. In fact, I work very hard at being the cheerleader for others. I firmly believe there is something to cheer on in all of the people we come in contact with. ALWAYS! Some may refer to this as encouragement, or support, or reassurance. I think it is cheerleading them.

With that said, I have always been the supporter not the supported. (okay the hubby supports me but he is legally required too) I do not seek support. I do not know how to ask for support. I give the support (cheerleading)

Suddenly, as people are discovering my current revenge on my body I am having cheerleaders show up in my online feeds. People who are saying things like “cancer has no idea whats in store” “if this shitty thing had to happen to you it couldn’t have happened to a stronger person” “you are a warrior”  “do you even know what an inspiration you are” and very wonderful cheering  support.

I am not quite sure how to take all the cheerleading. I think the support and confidence in my strength is amazing. But I am just a girl, well a woman, doing what thousands and thousands of other women have done and are doing too. Fighting for the life they want live. Seeking revenge on their bodies that are infiltrated with cancer.

I am just me, doing what I can to get through with dignity, humor and positive thoughts (remember it’s in my blood) I am just a girl who is learning to cheer herself on.

Check out my YouTube page Cancercize with Renee B. Subscribe. Share with friends who may want to have a virtual cheerleader. ❤

You are stronger!

My story….not yours!!

Recently, actually yesterday, I “outed myself” “confessed” “came clean” “went public” on Facebook about my fight with cancer. When I was diagnosed I only shared with a handful of family and friends asking them to please not share or post about it. After all it is my fight, my story, my journey. Not theirs.

I started this blog to document my revenge wogging progress. It quickly became my safe place to vent about the ups and downs of fighting cancer. After all, only one of my friends follow my blog. Hence a safe place.

There is a passage in the Bible and I can’t locate it at the moment….grrr cancer brain. It involves King David receiving news that his son was killed in battle. A messenger was asked to run and tell David. Another man decided HE had to be the one to report to the king! So he outran the messenger to deliver the bad news first. Why?

Why do we feel that if it is bad news, someone else’s story that we must share it with everyone? We start the statement off with ‘ don’t say anything, but….’ I think women are the worst at this too. We feel that it is okay if preceded with the don’t tell anyone. In reality all we are doing is betraying a confidence so we can deliver bad news first. Someone who thought you were trustworthy will now find out you are not. Do you want to be that person?

Now that I have gone public….online public I have people messaging me saying they knew all along! Someone had already told them.Told them my story. Told them things I wasn’t ready to share yet. All it does is make me sad that someone I trusted shared with people I did not want to know yet. Think about it….. that person may have told 5 others. Now my story, my life, my challenge has less meaning because someone already shared.

It is troubling to me. I do not want to be that friend. Ever. I have learned over the years to not repeat what someone tells me. It just makes sense. It is a confidence that I don’t want to lose.

Okay soap box over!!!! I started a YouTube page. Cancercize with Renee B. I am hoping to work out all through chemotherapy. All the research and doctors tell me it is the best way to beat the fatigue from chemo. I created the page to help others who want to workout during their fight. I have a purpose and a goal of revenge to still complete. Thanks for stopping by.

Healthy eating? B.S.

today I made my very first protein smoothie. I bought a Nutri Ninja (its a ninja, and ninja’s silently rock) I searched for a protein powder with no sugars/sweeteners or soy. Found some at Mother’s Cupboard. It is plain flavored, which is fine because I am mixing it with fruit and veggies. Now, the Ninja came with 75 recipes but I was just going to experiment with my own. So today this is what I made: spinach, water, protein powder, frozen mixed berries. Seems simple enough. Well….. the Ninja is freaking loud!! It makes my lights in the kitchen flicker! It woke Keith up on the other side of the apartment! Me trying to hold it down for 30 seconds for a short person is a challenge too! I blended it, opened it and it was thick sludge, brown sludge, like thick brown mud sludge! So I add more water, blend again, flicker flicker…still sludge….so more water. Finally!! it is liquid enough to drink. I take a swig……UGH this is awful!! It is gritty and the color is so unappetizing! I grab a straw and that helps. It makes it go straight down the gullet, no taste buds. I will try again tomorrow…..stay tuned.

the piles in my life…….

I have piles of clothes in my room.

There is a pile of clothes that I can put on and take off by myself.

There is a pile of clothes that are beyond comfy.

There is a pile of clothes that I can put on by myself but have to have help to take off.

There is a pile of only button or zip down tops and pull up yoga pants.

There is a whole pile of clothes hanging in the closet that I don’t even look at.

The other day I tried on a sweater to see if I could take it off again. Thank goodness I could! Hubby had already left and I tried it on without my bra on. It could have been an awkward day at work.

Trial and errors of piles.