Bear with me as I divulge into some really girly stuff.
It has taken me years, years I tell you to finally recognize when I am being a PMS snot.
At the very least the first 15 years of my marriage I was a roller coaster of hormones and emotions. It happens, I get my period and I get cramps, bloated, emotional, tired, edgy, short-tempered and flat-out delusional.
I have yelled at my spouse for nothing and everything. I have felt sorry for myself that I didn’t choose a more romantic, sensitive partner instead of one that is smart, strong and funny. And why for the love of all that is holy can he not find the laundry basket for his socks!! At least just for one week out of the month!
Over time I started paying more attention to my body and my emotions. I listened to it. There are signs that warn me my cycle is coming and I need to ready to steady myself to be normal so I don’t go into banshee mode on the hubby.
I started with exercise. As I became more physically fit I became more mentally stable.
I started eating better. As I ate better my hormones naturally became more balanced. Sigh, I hate to admit it but eating balanced is huge!
As chemotherapy continues my ovaries are shutting down. It is part of the process. the meds I am on throw you into menopause, possibly permanently. Which really doesn’t matter because I will need a hysterectomy now because of the BRCA2 mutation. Which means no matter there will be menopause.
I have done enough research as a women and heard enough stories and have had enough hot flashes already to know it is not going to be pretty.
I keep warning my husband.
We were in the car the other day. I reached for his hand. I told him I have no idea how bad I will be. I may become more irrational, cry more, yell more, and just be ‘don’t touch me’ more. I have no idea, I just know it won’t be me and that it may take another 15 years to learn the new signs of hormone breakdowns.
He simply looked over to me and said “I know you love me”
How can he know? I don’t even know at times. I tell him all the time, but let’s face it words sometimes fall empty. We say them so much that they lose meaning and sincerity.
I believe it is the little things. Like making sure he has Mt. Dew on hand. Knowing that he is going to drive the car next after me so I move the seat back so he can get into the car. Making his lunch each day. High- fiving him when he does well on a paper for his classes. Encouraging him to do things he loves to do without me i.e baseball games and curling.
I know that my body is changing. Against my will, for the greater good, and out of my hands. Along with the body changing so are my emotions and hormones and attitude. There will always be this challenge to make sure he knows he loves me, in spite of my words.
Truth is. I know he loves me. That is enough to inspire me to try, to really try.