Met the new neighbor……

No one in my real world has really seen the bald me.

Oh my husband has. He in fact is the one who shaved my head when my hair started falling out by the cupfuls.

My son has when he has come over to hang out with us at the house.

One of the oncology nurses has because at my last infusion I had a hot flash and had to remove my hat to cool off quickly.

If you follow me on YouTube at Cancercize with Renee B. https://youtu.be/Qa3Zgl7srBA then you have seen my bald little head. I don’t count that as people seeing me bald because that is the ‘cyber world’ not real world.

Yesterday I stopped to talk to the homeowners Dan and Angie who I rent an upstairs apartment from. They told me they are so impressed with how well I am handling chemotherapy. They even told me that I make them look lazy! Ha! It is a lovely compliment coming from very wonderful people.

Dan was telling me that he likes all my cute hats and hairpiece and that I have a lot fun with them. Angie said she was glad to see me having ‘fun’ with it.

As we were talking Angie informed me we have a new neighbor across the hall now. They really like her and hoped that I would too. As we were talking the new neighbor walked up. We were introduced to each other and shook hands. She is young and beautiful and seems very nice. We walked into the house and up the stairs together getting a little background on each other. It was nice, the last neighbor was odd and would avoid talking to me.

About an hour later I hear a knock on our door. We were getting ready to go for a walk so I ran to answer the door expecting Dan and Angie. Nope, it was the new neighbor asking for the wi-fi password. I didn’t have my hat or hair or scarf on! I do not know if Dan and Angie ‘warned’ her about my journey. I hope so. If not I can’t even imagine what is going through her head. She was very kind and didn’t stare or act startled. So there is that. Keith ,my husband felt bad for me AND for her. It put me in spot I wasn’t ready for. Sure I answered bald, but I assumed it was the homeowners and they know about the hairless me.

 

Perhaps after this encounter I will become bolder about bearing my baldness? For now I will stick to the cute hats, wigs and scarves. Like the one my husband is wearing in the picture. A friend made me that hat. It has the hair sewn into it! It was a bit tight and gave me a headache so Keith wore it backwards like that during my last round of chemo to stretch it out. It worked! I wear this one often because it is easy to put on (and take off if I am having a hot flash)

 

 

 

Enough……

“You can never do enough to be enough. If you have challenges figuring out who you are, stop searching. “Enough” is not a place you find, it is not a destination, it is not what you do. Being enough is a state of “being”. Enough is about acceptance. Accept who you are and devote time and energy into becoming the person that you deserve to become” Jeffery Coombs

‘you’ve got it all wrong. you didn’t come here to master unconditional love. that is where you came from and where you’ll return. you came here to learn personal love. universal love. messy love. sweaty love. crazy love. broken love. whole love. infused with divinity. lived through the grace of stumbling. demonstrated through the beauty of…….messing up. often. you didn’t come here to be perfect. you already are. you came here to be gorgeously human. flawed and fabulous.’

These are two things that popped up in my Facebook ‘You have memories’ app.

Funny how they both strike a similar and powerful cord.

As a woman, mom, wife, co-worker, daughter, sister,friend I have never felt like enough. There is always something more I can do to be better at those titles. Something that I could say or do that will finally make me good enough to deserve those titles.

Enough is enough. Life truly is short. There is no time to pursue a perfection that doesn’t exist. There is only time to chase after the good, the love, the peace of mind that you are enough. Accepting that is difficult. Knowing that it is time to accept it is a reality.

I have dreams. I have ideas. I want to move forward. I want to not fear that I will fail. I want to not fear that I will fall.

There are choices in our lives. No one has control over our choices. They are left up to us. You make the choice to move forward in life. You make the choice to cut the negative people who only stop you or bring you down. You make the choice to understand that failing is not failure just a step to finding your success. You make the choice to have joy in your life. You make the choice to understand that messy, sweaty, crazy, broken, whole love can not happen if you are pursuing to be ‘enough’. It only comes when you accept that you already are enough and invest the time into nurturing that truth.

Today I choose to be enough. Today I accept that I am flawed and fabulous. Today I accept that my dreams and purpose are one in the same. Today I will be me.

Ha! My mind is moving everywhere!

Have you ever looked in the toilet when done and say: ‘that’s the perfect poop!?’ I have thanks to a Facebook story of the shapes of poop and what they mean.

Life is not about your waistline, yet you need to take care of yours so you can enjoy life. That’s a catch 22.

Is there really life after menopause? The sporadic, sweaty nights make it hard for me to believe in that fairy tail.

Actually no, I can’t just take a nap and feel better. Chemotherapy doesn’t work like that. I get really tired of explaining this. Yes, I look tired because I AM tired. It is from the chemo not the lack of naps. Possibly from the hot flashes in the middle of the night, but not because I need a nap.

Why can’t I get enough to eat? I am trying very hard to not PUT on weight. I am not able to lose any right now, but I don’t want to gain any either. This is hard when I am hungry all the time and ALL the food looks good. Even the semi-green potato salad at work in the vending machine. Yes I ate it. So far so good.

When I am tired I pretty much throw out the whole ‘no sugar, no alcohol, no non organic’ eating plan. Yes I see the reoccurring theme and irony.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Cinco de Mayo or as I like to refer to it: Cinco de Reneeo. I am expecting two wigs, a fun blue one and a fun dark one along with a skin/case for my computer. Last year I ordered the Star Wars movies. I like ordering things that end up showing up on my birthday. It makes me feel special.

This is my final random thought. Life really is short. It is easier to love. I choose to laugh. I choose to publicly document my random thoughts.

 

Just being a girl for a moment…

Bear with me as I divulge into some really girly stuff.

It has taken me years, years I tell you to finally recognize when I am being a PMS snot.

At the very least the first 15 years of my marriage I was a roller coaster of hormones and emotions. It happens, I get my period and I get cramps, bloated, emotional, tired, edgy, short-tempered and flat-out delusional.

I have yelled at my spouse for nothing and everything. I have felt sorry for myself that I didn’t choose a more romantic, sensitive partner instead of one that is smart, strong and funny. And why for the love of all that is holy can he not find the laundry basket for his socks!! At least just for one week out of the month!

Over time I started paying more attention to my body and my emotions. I listened to it. There are signs that warn me my cycle is coming and I need to ready to steady myself to be normal so I don’t go into banshee mode on the hubby.

I started with exercise. As I became more physically fit I became more mentally stable.

I started eating better. As I ate better my hormones naturally became more balanced. Sigh, I hate to admit it but eating balanced is huge!

As chemotherapy continues my ovaries are shutting down. It is part of the process. the meds I am on throw you into menopause, possibly permanently. Which really doesn’t matter because I will need a hysterectomy now because of the BRCA2 mutation. Which means no matter there will be menopause.

I have done enough research as a women and heard enough stories and have had enough hot flashes already to know it is not going to be pretty.

I keep warning my husband.

We were in the car the other day. I reached for his hand. I told him I have no idea how bad I will be. I may become more irrational, cry more, yell more, and just be ‘don’t touch me’ more. I have no idea, I just know it won’t be me and that it may take another 15 years to learn the new signs of hormone breakdowns.

He simply looked over to me and said “I know you love me”

How can he know? I don’t even know at times. I tell him all the time, but let’s face it words sometimes fall empty. We say them so much that they lose meaning and sincerity.

I believe it is the little things. Like making sure he has Mt. Dew on hand. Knowing that he is going to drive the car next after me so I move the seat back so he can get into the car. Making his lunch each day. High- fiving him when he does well on a paper for his classes. Encouraging him to do things he loves to do without me i.e baseball games and curling.

I know that my body is changing. Against my will, for the greater good, and out of my hands. Along with the body changing so are my emotions and hormones and attitude. There will always be this challenge to make sure he knows he loves me, in spite of my words.

Truth is. I know he loves me. That is enough to inspire me to try, to really try.