I often catch myself telling people I am tired. It gets old. I feel old when I keep saying it. I get tired of explaining that it isn’t really a tired I can sleep off. I apologize constantly to my husband for being so redundant. He told me I should just start saying exhausted instead. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn’t. I did decide to Google other words for tired. Here are some of my favorites: weary, worn-out, drained, zonked, dull, boring and routine. I think my absolute favorite is ‘no longer fresh or in good condition’.
I often catch myself crying at work these days. Am I sad? No, it is because I am no longer in good condition. I had a very hard moment of not remembering. I had to research all my old emails to figure it out. I honestly could not recall taking care of a Canadian shipment but apparently I did. I am glad I still had an email to answer my bosses question. I apologize with tears in my eyes and mutter to myself that this is why I do not feel like I can do my job anymore.
I often catch myself actually looking forward to this next surgery. Mostly because I will get an excused break from work. I know I will be heavily medicated and have to start figuring out how to move again, but I won’t be at work causing chaos or feeling useless. I am almost treating this like a vacation, almost.
I often catch myself being amazed at the strength and skills of my friends. I have a friend flying out early this morning to help with her aunt’s funeral. At the last minute she was told that she will be doing a ‘get together’ luncheon for family. It started as six people and has been bumped up to one hundred people. The moment she lands she will be busy planning, prepping then serving. She is a cancer fighter too. I have no idea how she keeps it all together. I am always impressed by her energy and organization skills and mostly how she just takes it in stride and makes it look easy.
I often catch myself daydreaming. Dreaming of being comfortable in my body again. Dreaming of not having to do a 9-5 job anymore. Dreaming of volunteering more. Dreaming of rest. Dreaming of bread.
I often catch myself talking myself out of the gym. It is too cold. I am too tired. It is too wet outside. Which is a horrible excuse because the gym is indoors. Then I get upset because if I do not workout I have to watch what I eat. I loose five pounds, I celebrate, I find the five pounds. Big sigh. I miss bread.
I often catch myself nesting. I am nesting or prepping for the upcoming surgery. Planning safe things to do while in bed. Having good and healthy foods ready to go so the husband doesn’t have to trouble himself to much. Cleaning house so it is ready for visitors if they want to come over and keep me company. Nesting.
Fears, worries, tears, nests, and bread….yeah that is what is in my head at this moment.