When I started this blog it was intended as a place for me to write about my revenge plan. I wanted revenge on a friend in a certain race. I wanted revenge on my fluffy body. I wanted revenge on my mind for being too lazy to turn my wog into a run.
When the diagnosis came it was a safe space to talk about my cancer and what I was going through. None of my friends and family knew about the blog or followed it.
It is totally still a revenge on my mind and body blog. It is just a perspective shift.
Anyway, there is nothing more humbling than being treated for cancer. All the research in the world will not prepare you for what you are going to go through. You are fully aware that surgery will make you sore. You know chemotherapy will make you tired. The weekly doctor visits will make you poor. The reconstruction fills will make you ache. Expanders do not fit in a bra. You will always have scars.
What you may not be prepared for after a double mastectomy with reconstruction is not being able to wipe yourself clean after going poop. Not being able to shower and worse yet not being able to lean forward over the sink to have your hair washed.
The hubby and I never really thought about the poop thing until a friend suggested I buy a spray bottle to ‘wash’ myself off with. Hubby freaked. “I don’t know if I could do that” “What am I going to do if I have to wipe your butt?” Thankfully we never really had to deal with that. The pain meds and surgery make you so stopped up (ugh) that by the time I had a bowel movement I was able to take care of business myself.
Not being allowed to shower until the five drains came out was also humbling. My hubby took me to the local hair/beauty school so I could sit in a chair and lean back to have someone wash my hair for me.
I had a friend come over and she sponged bathed me. Not that the hubby wouldn’t do it he was just so exhausted that he never thought of it and I was so tired and drugged I couldn’t verbalize it. She took me in the bathroom and gave me a good scrubbing.
All of it is very humbling, somewhat embarrassing and very much a punch in the face to realize you are vulnerable and have to be trusting. Cancer is not only a jerk but it is also gross. Not many people talk about the gross ass wiping part. I for some reason felt I needed to talk about it. I think because I am realizing how deep my husbands love for me must be. How strong I connect with a few of my friends. And mostly how humble I have to become. I realize how lucky I am that the revenge I am taking on my cancer makes me a better person. Compassion, humility, vulnerability, and stronger at expressing love, emotions, and gross stuff.
Bonus gross: the picture for the ‘No Shave November’ makes me think about how I couldn’t shave my armpits for weeks! Couldn’t life my arms above shoulder height. Poor doctor had to look at the hairy pits for weeks!