I push..

I push then I wonder why. My body screams move, then it screams stop it hurts, so I stop and my head screams why did you stop? push through, push harder, and all I can think is why, why am I doing this? is it to prove to myself? is it to prove to those who think I can’t? is it because I need validation, a victory, proof? run. NO walk. NO, run. NO, walk! NO, jog!! now even if it hurts, why? this is the battle in my head. who knew that wogging would be so emotional? I didn’t. I knew it was mental and physical but not emotional. It stirs up thoughts of failure, status quo, aging aching bones and muscles. it brings up doubts of can I do anything? or am I okay with just being where I am at? Am I all worked up from my online goals classes? do I have a real purpose? or just a challenge to prove to myself that I am strong enough, and smart enough and have no limits? I get excited because I have goals and a focus and am constatntly trying to reach them. It is exciting. then day to day life settles in and I doubt I can do them. what is the point? why does it matter? does anyone care but me? how can I a type B introvert be a type A confident person? what purpose does it serve? Then I remind myself… I LIKE having a goal, a purpose, a direction. I have never had one before that was so clear and concise. so real that I can taste it. so much more that I can be. No longer a status quo, a day in day out liver, but a doer, a focuser, a liver of life, a goal setter and achiever….. Why? maybe just for me? maybe just for a kick? maybe for someone else? maybe for the accolade? or simple acknowledgement that I am not dumb, lazy or unfocused. I am not sure yet of the why, but I am sure of the want.

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