I don’t know who this is….

Something is off.

This week has been a tough week. No reason in particular. It just feels rough, out of sorts, extra long and just plain off.

I know it is me. I know that it is something in me that is off. I can’t place my finger on it. I am starting to believe that it is the medication I am taking to keep the cancer from growing back. At least that is what I am choosing to think.

I ache, all over. I can’t stop crying. My body is not recovering from exercising like it should. I am not even over doing the exercise, so that is not the excuse. I just feel off. I hurt enough to notice it but not enough to stop me from pressing forward. Going to work, working out, being ‘normal’ and to not call the doctor. Just off.

I find it troublesome when something is on the edge of your tongue yet still so elusive you can’t put your finger on it.

Last Christmas we celebrated somberly. I knew about the cancer and at the time I didn’t know what or when treatment was going to happen or by whom.

This year I celebrate Christmas somberly again. Thankful that I am in remission and that I am nearing my one year mark. Thankful that my family is closer and tighter than ever before. Grateful that I can close this chapter of my life.

At least that is the theory. The cold harsh reality is I am still fighting. Fighting to get sleep ( these 4:30 AM wake ups are rough) Fighting to get healthy (ugh, still fighting with the carbs) Fighting to move more (my motivation and endurance are still lacking) Fighting to find the good in every thing and everyone (it is there, I may not have it but I know others do) Fighting to find my new normal (blah I HATE that phrase) Fighting to not let the outside be reflective of my inside (I have changed, I try to hide that)

Things I have learned so far through all of this:

I have many friends. Some that I never knew I had. I also have less friends. One’s I never should have had.

I am way more into my appearance and hair than I ever thought I was. Who knew I had so much vanity? I honestly didn’t.

That no matter how determined and consistent I am, I still lose focus and energy and motivation to keep doing what is right.

That my job is just a job and it no longer brings me joy. I want more. I have also learned that over time doing the same mundane things you lose sight of the goal of wanting more and something different, something better. Changing and doing more was so intense I couldn’t breath or speak. That is gone. Worn away by the everyday. How did I let that happen?

I am different. My body is the biggest give away. My hair is obvious. My weight is even more obvious. All the scars and lack of nipple cements the difference. I am different on the inside too. Most days I am learning who I am now. Who I want to become. What I am made of.

I look at this picture I took yesterday in the bathroom at work. I took it because I was wearing a new lipstick that I bought from my friend and I wanted her to see what it looked like on me. I do not see Renee. I do not know who this person is. I don’t recognize her at all.

I do know that when I look at this picture I will not be her for long. I am going to fight whatever this ‘offness’ is. I am going to keep moving forward. I am going to wear a hat more often. I am going to believe that 2017 is the year of Renee. I am going to believe that there is only going forward, only becoming better, smarter, funnier, prettier and stronger.

I don’t know who this is. I do know that someday I will.

 

 

 

5 comments

  1. Tink the Belle · December 24

    I have these moments also. You know what they pass as quickly as they come. Cancer change the outside and the inside. Hold on to what really matters. My grandkids sure keep me wanting to get stronger each day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • breidengale · December 24

      Grandkids are a wonderful reason to be stronger everyday! Finding what really matters is the plan. ❤ thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sharon A. · December 24

    I know who she is… She’s the same fighter that became my friend many years ago. She’s always been a fighter, for her faith, her family and her friends! I don’t care what your mirror tells you, you know who you are too… a beloved daughter of a heavenly Father! Never think that you fight alone! Your Lord, your family and your friends fight with you! May God Himself reveal His plan to you and wash away your confusion! Praying for you as you enjoy every moment God has blessed you with! Merry Christmas to you, Keith & Richard!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. fattymccupcakes · December 25

    I hope you are able to find some happiness and joy tomorrow. Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. neveradullbling · December 28

    Awww, I don’t even know what to say! I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so bad, but hope you’re better now! Hugs to you! BTW… I love that lipstick! It’s a great color!!

    Liked by 1 person

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