me in a nutshell…. or the nut that is me?

Do you ever go through a time where you just decide to reinvent yourself all at once? That is where I am at. This will be random and ALL over the place… so may want to stop reading right here…

The new me includes: confidence, energy, encouragement, energy, being supportive, being an example, having energy, being contagious, and energy.

I have decided to tackle fitness coaching. I have dreams and desires. I want to work out with chemotherapy and recovering cancer patients. I would love to have my own fitness studio with a ‘clean room’ just for that. Or perhaps a mobile gym to go to them.

I want to read personal development books at a rapid rate so I can glean from them. Reshape myself. Become successful. I have about 10 years of hustle left I think. Unless I start channeling my inner Uncle Thom and then I have 30 years left.

I have become a Beachbody Coach (shameless plug) http://www.beachbodycoach.com/ReneeGaleSurvivor and am starting my first online challenge group tomorrow. I don’t even know if I will be able to complete it but I now have witness’ so I kind of have to!!

I am trying to volunteer more. Trying to be involved more. Trying to be the happy healthy energized person that makes people want to be near me. Makes people forget where I was one year ago.

I went dancing with my friends last night for the first time in almost two years. TWO YEARS!! I was so excited. I dressed up in green. I drank coffee to stay awake longer (I made it to 11)

Today I am sitting here in tears. I hurt all over. There are several explanations for the pain.I am old. I am in surgical menopause. I am on medication that causes bone and joint ache. I am out of shape. The last one is probably the biggest factor…well that and being old. Dancing and staying up late just remind me. I need to get myself in shape.

I am so thankful that my husband gets what I am trying to do. He knows I am trying so hard to prove to everyone that I am okay. He knows I am not always okay. Today he had to hug me a little longer before he left for work.

I am so thankful for my supervisor Janice. Poor thing has to help me muddle through basic tasks some days at work because I just simply forget how to. She also has to listen to me go on and on about the same old cancer/medicine/forgetful crap day in and day out. I am trying to change that too! She is my friend but really doesn’t need to hear about this stuff all the time.

I told you all over the place today. It has been too long. I find my desire to write is gone. Even my desire to read my friends blogs are gone. I am trying to correct this. I love to write. I love to read. I think I just need to write it into my daily schedule.

I forget sometimes that life is about changing and challenges. Adjusting and adapting. Learning and yearning. Sometimes it is about crying for a moment then putting on your running shoes and going for a wog. I forget sometimes that I still want revenge until the friend comes up to you this week and reminds you that she has to run by herself because she is still one color group ahead of you. Then the annoyed anger kicks in and reminds me of why I started here in the first place. Starting from the beginning is almost the same as starting all over. Right? Funning I said starting from the beginning and it totally made me think of the scene from ‘The Princess Bride’ when Indigo is drunk and waiting.

Sheesh ALL OVER THE PLACE… Friends should never let emotional, tired, in pain friends blog!!

Anyway I have no idea if even conveyed what I wanted to say in the first place…. nut job for sure.

Family fulfills…

A while back I blogged about my grandmother passing. We had just booked tickets to see her and a few days later she passed. I was devastated. It was hard to lose her. I was unprepared and at a loss of what to do or say. I was however thankful that my Aunt Kathy still wanted us to come and visit. So that is what we did.

My little family of three flew to GA to see family. To see the Pepper side of my family. I knew it was going to be an emotional yet much-needed visit.

We were trying to figure out how long it has been since Aunt Kathy and Uncle Tom had seen my son Richard. He is going to be 28 this month. The last time they have seen him was when he was 9. How did that happen? How have I let that happen? I am so glad we were able to make that right.

We had a fabulous time! We ate so much food. Seriously I gained six pounds in four days. SIX! We snuck into the new Atlanta Braves stadium. Yes, snuck. We toured the Coca-Cola museum (Keith hates Coke) and we ate…did I mention that?

The picture above is one of my favorite places to sit early in the morning at my aunt and uncles house. I love the way the light streams in. It is a cozy and comfortable place to have a cup of coffee and just reflect.

Reflect on how much love there is in this home. My cousin Jenny and her boys bring energy and youth. My Uncle brings hustle and financial insight. My Aunt brings love and encouragement. When I sit here I feel all of that while at the same time peace. It is where I would sit when I was hanging with my grandma all those years ago. Sitting here on this trip reminds me of the love and unity my grandma brought to this house as well.

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This is the door to my grandmas room. It took me nearly two days to enter that room. I didn’t realize that my grandma kept journals and I knew I wanted to read them. I also knew walking into that room would be very emotional. I can’t even imagine how my aunt did it. The scratches on the door are from the dogs. They loved granny. She would always drop crumbs on the floor for them. The dogs miss her too and keep trying to see her. Makes my heart hurt.

When I finally had the courage to go in and sit down and read through her journals I was so thankful! She just talked about her everyday things. Playing bingo. Missing a phone call from a sister. Knee pain. Everyday things. It gave me some insight into her life when I wasn’t around. I found the journal from the year that my dad passed away. I was only able to read parts of it. I have the journal with me now and I still haven’t been able to read it. Someday I will and it will help my heart heal and grow.

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This is a picture that I took of my Aunt Kathy without her knowledge. I wanted to capture her in this pose. She places her hands together like this and moves her fingers up and down. I find it endearing. My grandmother did the same thing. Sometimes I catch myself doing it and smile and think of Grandma and think of Kathy. It must be a family trait. One that I somehow picked up.

Our trip was fast and furious. It was wonderful and emotional. It was needed. I hope it was as healing for my Pepper family in GA as it was for me. I hope my son has some good memories of his Pepper family now. I know my husband is thankful for the little time we have had with granny and family.

This is what I know to be true. Family fulfills. Fills your heart, mind, soul and your eyes with tears.