Hello! It has been far too long since I have blogged. I keep making excuses that I am too busy. Truth is I don’t run anymore. I don’t have the desire to. I don’t have the drive to even try. It makes me feel like my blog is misnamed now. No matter this was my safe space when I was diagnosed with cancer and needed an out and a support group without sharing it with the people in my life…
So here I go again, over sharing everything that I have been holding onto for far too long.. prepare for word vomit:
I have had two toenails fall off, completely fall off with no struggle. I took off a sock and one popped off. I had one fall off when I turned under the covers. My nails are so flimsy and easily snagged that I have to cut them down short, really short. It’s a side effect of the meds.
There are days my bones ache. Getting out of bed or a chair takes me what feels like hours. Side effect of the meds.
My vision is becoming blurry. Not all the time but more often now. A side effect of the meds.
Sex, well sex is uncomfortable and painful and just down right doesn’t happen as often as it should. We used to be so good at it too. A side effect of the hormone suppression.
I have developed some weird type of social anxiety and find that I do not go out as often as I used to. I use the excuse of being tired or busy or Keith doesn’t want to go (he is always willing to be my scape goat) I get sick thinking about going out dancing, or an auction that I have attended for years, or a friends 30th birthday party. I want to just stay home where I am safe and happy and understood.
I have no memory well some but it is very, very short. Like I may even forget what I am typing right at this moment, short. It attributes to the social anxiety. I don’t remember birthdays, or events or more often than not conversations about things. I HAVE to write them down or log them immediately in my phone. Worse thing is I will email myself from work so I will remember to buy gas when I get out of work!! The email pops up on my phone as I leave so I see it. I used to be so much better at this.
I am angry. Probably lack of sex and hormones and memory and vision. Ha ha! But I really am. I don’t process work as well as I used to. A big part of it is speed and memory and patience….. so you can see why I fail often now.
Losing weight…. oh that is a battle too! Side effect of the med and lack of hormones..
Last time I poured my heart out and shared about how some of the deep lasting issues that cancer and SURVIVING mess with you I was attacked by a ‘friend’ on social media and worse yet behind my back to my friends. I was accused of being a Debbie Downer and to just get over it. Nothing can shut you down faster. I guess you do have to have a thick skin to write or share and be real. Do thick thighs count?
Knowing that I will work through all this somehow someway with Keith at my side, well that is HOPE. Knowing that when I see my oncologist and give him a list of my demands and issues that we can come to some sort of plan of action, that is HOPE. Believing that this new me will be accepted and understood by outsiders, that is HOPE with doubt. Believing that not having sex is normal for people our age well that is HOPEFUL yet sad… ha ha.
I am 100% sure this is nowhere near what I wanted to share our how I wanted it to come out but this is my ‘life as a fish in a small tank’ now. Every time I swim past the castle I say ‘ah castle’ no matter how many times I swim around the tank.
The Revenge Wogger may not be aptly named for getting revenge on running. It is still my safe space to share and vent and be me…
Word vomit over…for now ( I think)