I didn’t sleep at all last night. Seriously, I didn’t. I have no idea how I was able to make it through work. I was numb in the mind and emotions (until the end of the day when I lost it) I am happy that even though I didn’t sleep I still got up and worked out with a friend. I promised I would and I showed up and that is what matters. I will tell you that I have no idea how in the heck I am still awake right now.!! I should be passed out, I feel very wide awake still. This is how it started last night. Ugh. Hope it is not another toss and turning with my brain not shutting off night..
Anyway here is how the food played out today. I have excuses but I am not going to use them. Here it is:
Breakfast was coffee with creamer, one cup. Super foods shake Cafe Latte flavor with spinach, almond butter and blueberries.
Get to work and have two cups of coffee with creamer and three Christmas cookies that a co-worker brought in today. Ugh. Tis’ the season.
Lunch was 1/2 cup of tuna salad with the cauliflower puree and celery. One slice of FFC bread. One cup of kale salad with parmesan cheese and croutons. Also had diluted lemon dressing. I wanted more food so I bought a bag of Tostitos corn tortilla chips (two servings in one bag) and a cup of Tostitos nacho cheese cup.
Dinner was TWO Angry Orchard Knotty Pear Hard Cider. One cup of frozen green beans, one tablespoonful of garlic aioli and the salmon burger pictured above. The salmon burger has carrot puree in it too. I was determined to FINALLY make this recipe forgetting that it called for putting the patties in the fridge for one hour first. Yikes! Who has time for that? So I popped them in the freezer and took a shower (I feel better after that) while they set. Hubby and I really enjoyed these! He had his on a bun. I saved one for me to have for lunch tomorrow. I will be making these again and again! So good.
I am only at about 125 ounces of water today. I did do my Yoga Flow on the Go workout this morning and that makes five days in a row. I am excited that I am developing consistency.
Woke up this morning and was disappointed with myself. Disappointed that I didn’t get stuff done on my list over the weekend. When I wake up like that I know I have to work extra hard to fight off making bad choices with eating. When you see my list today of food consumed today you will see the pattern emerge.
Breakfast: coffee with almond milk (2) Espresso with chocolate almond milk (2) Superfoods shake chocolate with banana, spinach and turmeric.
Lunch: After a few meetings and falling behind on my work I found myself craving Fritos. I don’t know why, except not sleeping well and waking up disappointed. I drank my water and hoped it would go away. It didn’t. I went to lunch and bought a snack size, yet very expensive bag of Fritos. Sat down and put my lunch together. It was a cole slaw with Dijon mustard and rice wine vinegar, tuna salad with greek yogurt and cucumbers and half of a honey crisp apple. The apple is a sensible fiber filled carb. I am eating my salad and really enjoying it. It tasted great. Then I see that bag of chips sitting there and I feel guilty for buying them when I didn’t really want them anymore. So what do I do? Well I eat them anyway. #disappointment
Dinner: Poured a glass of the bottle of Pumpita that I found at Target the other day. I like Sangria and Blood Oranges. I did NOT like this. I don’t really drink wine anymore unless it is a glass of champagne or Prosseco. This was awful. I dumped it out. That is the one thing I am NOT disappointed about! Dinner tonight was roasted chicken and mini bell peppers. It was actually good. I surprised myself even. I am not the best cook and I am really challenged with cooking from ‘feel’ or ‘sight’. I put it all on a pan and roasted it for for about 40 minutes. Hubby even liked the chicken.
I decided I needed to warm up so I made a cup of decaf coffee with a splash of chocolate almond milk.
I am still haunted by fatigue. It overwhelms me at times. The fact that I am hot flashing all the time doesn’t help. The hot flashes have gotten worse. I turn red all over and get prickly skin. People can physically see me go through them now. Also the sleep, the sleep is less and less while I sweat and sweat.
So I caved…
I called the doctor in tears on my break and asked to prescribe the anti-depressant that should help me deal with the hot flashes. I had been counseled by three doctors about what my options were. If I was going to go on one I had decided the anti-depressant would be the way I go. I wanted to just get through them with no medicinal help but I guess I am not strong enough after all. I go to the local pharmacy and pick it up and start that night. It took about three days for it to make a difference. IT MADE A DIFFERENCE!!!
I didn’t have to sleep with the fan on in the bedroom anymore. I actually had to wear long sleeves and tights to stay warm at work. It was working. IT WAS WORKING! Relief. Sleep. Human. Normal.
Then I noticed that my urine looked a little pinkish in the bowl. I shake it off, I am sure it is just my eyes playing tricks on me. The next day I had some spotting on the toilet paper. That is not a good sign. Maybe I just wiped to hard and tore the sensitive skin down there. On Thursday there were no longer any doubts. I was bleeding. I had the darkest stool. In fact it was black. As it was floating in the toilet it had a wispy trail of blood following it too. So that means it was in the stool and around the stool. I call my oncologist right away. Feeling good about being proactive and doing something about it.
I get the nurse. I tell her what is going on. I am convinced it is the Effexor XR. It is the only thing that has changed in my life in the last week. She brushes it off and tells me it can’t be the med. I asked if she was sure because it was listed as a side effect in the paperwork from the pharmacy. She insisted that all the years that her and my doctor have been. prescribing this med it has never happened and maybe I just have a virus. Maybe.
I asked if I could stop the med. It is one of those that they tell you to not stop abruptly. She said that I could if I wanted too but they are certain it is not the med. She then told me I needed to go get blood work done after work. Ugh, a blood draw. You know my experiences with those. And it was my 29th wedding anniversary and I had reservations that night. But I went, because you know bloody stool. It was the best blood draw I had ever had. Thank goodness for that. I stopped the med. Went to dinner and worried.
Friday morning my stool was a bit more normal looking. Lighter in color with just a few dark spots in it. The nurse said I should call the office on Friday because they will have the result by then of the blood draw. I called. Turns out they ran the wrong test. I had to go back for more blood draws after work, again. The regular nurse that told me it can’t be the med was gone. The covering nurse listened to me. Said she hasn’t seen that before as a side effect but knows it is possible. Was glad to hear that it looked more normal once I stopped the med. Apologized about the wrong test being done. Told me that if I had the dark stool over the weekend to go to ER immediately. In my mind a much better conversation.
I don’t like that nurse #1 made me feel like I am crazy and have no idea what I am talking about. She even admitted that she did not take the time to look up and verify if that was a side effect of the med. She just knows it isn’t. She has made me feel bad before when the office forgot about me and never made a follow-up appointment. I think this is what bothers me more than waiting for the test results.
Anyway the hot flashes are back with a vengeance. I can’t stop crying and being mad at my husband and my body. I can’t sleep again because of the night sweats. I think blood in your stool is bad, very bad but I am so crazy from sweating that I almost feel it is a small price to pay. The fatigue is back and haunting me. Making me crazy. This has been my week. Hoping for answers today. Hoping for another option to help with the hot flashes. Hoping to not be haunted anymore.