145.8 Tuesday:What is wrong with me…

Give your best regardless of who is watching. That is what I read today in my personal development. I am being as honest as I can on this blog on what I eat and it is definitely not ‘my best’ Bleh. Here it is in it’s full glory.

Coffee w/creamer (almond milk) 2

Vanilla super foods shake with spinach, almond butter and blueberries.

Work coffee with almond milk, two.

1 and 1/2 ounces of chocolate covered almonds.

Lunch: kale salad with poppy seed dressing and four little tomatoes. 1 cup of pasta from last night. Giant pretzel with cheese dip. Five large Fritos with salsa #thanksscott

One cup of decaf coffee with almond milk.

Get home. I have the CHOICE to eat healthy OR stuff my face since I have to fast for blood work and my infusion tomorrow. I opt for stuffing my face.

This is how dinner played out: Smartfood white cheddar popcorn; one serving. Two cheese crisps. One Angry Orchard hard cider. Two Welches fruit snacks.

WHAT.IS.WRONG.WITH.ME?

My excuses have been the stress and anxiety of my upcoming appointment tomorrow. So the question lies; will I stop eating like this AFTER the weigh in and blood work and infusion tomorrow? I guess we will know soon enough.

I did get my yoga in today and 150 ounces of water.

Tuesday…not a taco in sight..

I am just at such a loss right now. I am struggling with keeping the tears in. Cancer is such a bitch. Yeah, I said it..a swear word. I have said many a swear word these last few years. My cousin Eric would let me use the mother of all swear words in our texts to each other. He lost his mom, my aunt to breast cancer and when I was diagnosed he would text me randomly and correct my language.. he would tell me to make it harder. I love him so much for that. I struggle with knowing that I am still here and his beautiful amazingly strong mom is not. Cancer is not fair. Cancer is a bitch. Cancer can suck it.

It took another one last night. I just don’t even have the words to talk more about it right now. I am just emotionally raw. Is that an excuse to not eat right? No. Did I use it? Yes. Do I know that eating healthfully will help retard the growth of cancer? Yes. Do I care right now? No.

With that said this is what I ate today:

Breakfast: coffee (3 cups) with almond milk. Two scrambled eggs with spinach and mushrooms cooked in a teaspoonful of olive oil. I slice of great FFC toast.

Work: more coffee (three cups to be exact) each with 1/2 and 1/2. A granola bar. The crunchy Oats and Honey kind. I was feeling very dizzy this morning at work, I think from sinuses. I needed some carbs/protein bar. I wanted a protein puck but it was more than what I had on my vending machine card. #goodexcusesright

Lunch: ate my sandwich from yesterday. It was layers of deli sliced turkey breast no nitrates, mustard and one slice of that amazing FFC bread. Had a salad of cabbage and two tablespoons of homemade asian dressing.

Snack: about 4:30 PM today. Two tablespoons of humus with pita chips. Carrot sticks and half of a yellow bell pepper.

Dinner: a plateful, albeit a small plate of BBQ beef and a large glass of champagne.

Water: I am at 120 ounces now.

Workout: Yoga stretch. Did something called the ‘lizard’ I am always amused at the names of yoga poses. Makes me smile. Like the ‘happy cow’. It is pretty much like sitting crossed legged just a variation of it but it is called the ‘happy cow’ Maybe cows cross their legs like that when they are done for the day. I grew up around cows and can’t really recall any of them sitting like that…oh well the lizard was challenging for sure but a great hip flexor stretch.

Notice I did NOT have my superfoods shake today. First day I have “missed” in weeks. I just didn’t think it would go well with my champagne.

The champagne is doing its job and helping me relax. I am ready for bed. I will probably turn on Netflix and listen to Fraiser reruns until I fall asleep. If I can sleep. Survivors guilt is a real thing. Losing a young, strong, amazing woman to cancer is a real thing. And it all just sucks.

How did you do today?