shhh….there’s veggies in there….

Seriously, there are veggies in the dinner tonight. Okay I know in my picture above it is obvious there are veggies in my dinner, but in my hubby’s dinner it was rice and chicken. I added cauliflower puree to the sauce the chicken was cooked in! He liked the taste of it too! One more day of adding something nutritious to his food. One day closer to bringing him over to my side…..bwahahahahahahaha…..

Had breakfast with one of very good friends today. We get to see each other a couple times a year, mostly from scheduling. Anyway we went to a very local yet beloved place today called Kalico Kitchen. I love our face to face visit and covet the time with her. It is a very blessed way to start a Sunday off.  Anyhoo, this is how my food day played out:

Coffee with creamer two cups. Headed out to breakfast had three more cups of coffee with half and half and sugar. Three cups. Ordered the egg tacos. These are very good. It was two fried corn tortillas stuffed with scrambled eggs, cheese and bacon. I added salsa to them too.

I ran to the grocery store after our breakfast, tried to do my shopping without a plan. Ha! that is never a good idea! Forgot stuff and bought things I didn’t need. #bigsigh

Got home and helped myself to three pieces of the Girl Scout Almond Butter cups along with half of a bell pepper and half of a peeled slice cucumber. Guess I will call that lunch today.

Made dinner tonight, pictured above. It is one of the recipes from the Jessica Seinfeld cookbooks. It was called creamy chicken. I served mine over veggies in an effort to get back to protein/veggies for dinner. It was pretty tasty. I made rice for the hubby. I had enough leftover rice and chicken that it will be my lunch tomorrow with more of the roasted veggies. I like having lunch packed and ready the day before. Gives me more time in the morning.

I did decide to have ‘dessert’ tonight. Made myself a super foods shake. I had vanilla shake with turmeric and cinnamon. I added ice cubes to make it more shake like. It was a nice dessert! Adding the turmeric made it like golden milk that I used to make when going through chemotherapy.

I actually did a workout today!?!?!? A full thirty minute workout that is! Yoga all over body workout.

Had 160 ounces of water today too. I am feeling pretty good about myself about now. It isn’t perfect (neither am I) but it is better than I have been doing. I am CHOOSING to make better choices from here on out. Especially after the hubby informed me that he has noticed attitude changes in me but not more than ten pound physical changes in me. #saddays My end goal is to make him proud of me and this means I am not near my goal yet. I must work harder.

Well that is how I tracked today.

How did you do?

My turn for the crud…

I have been fighting off the cold for about two weeks now. I think it has finally gotten it’s hold on me. Bleh. #thankshubby  So basically I have been in bed napping off and on since about 2PM today.  My mistake is I am binge watching the new season of the Great British Bake Off. I am really rooting for Rahul.  Watching the show makes me hungry and gives me a false sense of wanting to bake things.

This is how my food played out today:

Breakfast was three cups of coffee with creamer. One over easy egg and some hash browns. Had two glasses of grapefruit juice for my scratchy throat.

I was too tired to make anything for lunch so I ordered pizza for takeout. Hubby went and picked it up. It was sausage, black olive and mushroom. I ate three slices. It hit the spot.

Dinner was my super foods shake. Cafe Latte with spinach. It is an extra boost of vitamins. And that sums up the food for the day. Hopefully I feel better by tomorrow.

I have about 125 ounces of water so far. Probably will get another 25 ounces in tonight. I am finishing the Vegan Week on the show and I no longer hungry after watching them make meringue out of chick peas.

Hope you all stay healthy.

How did you do?

 

Shield yourself from everyone else’s agenda…

That was from my personal development today. Shield yourself from everyone else’s agenda. Meaning make sure to take care of you and not react to others or what might happen during the day. Be prepared to deal with them all with grace and peace…..ha!

That is NOT what happened to me today. I had an accusatory email followed by a doubtful email that makes me take every thing very personal. I become very protective of my team, Bleh.  SO how do I cope? I eat. I eat it all and then some. …. here is how that played out today:

Breakfast: coffee with almond milk and a splash of sf vanilla syrup. Espresso with creamer and almond milk. Vegan caffe latte super foods shake with blueberries and spinach.

Got to work and stopped by for a Red Velvet hot 16 ounce latte. Regular boring Keurig coffee with 1/2 and 1/2.

Lunch: A slice of pizza and salad (pictured above) with balsamic dressing. A bag of salsa flavored Sun Chips and a Snickers bar. #doublebleh

Snack: six mini bell peppers

Dinner: #herecomesallthebleh Ritz Pita chips 34 of them the rest of the salmon dip. Half of the pita chips went into the microwave to have cheese melted upon them. Cracked open a bottle of Angry Orchard Knotty Pear.

See I started off with good intentions to shield myself… then I let my emotions and circumstances dictate how I respond. That is not a shield. It is a coping mechanism. #quadruplebleh

Water was good. 185 ounces and Yoga Flow this morning. SO there is that.

How did you do?

What’s in a glass of water…

There is so much in a glass of water. The more I continue on my journey for health and healing I am learning this. I have always been a big advocate for water and it’s benefits and now the more education I have in health and nutrition I will become an even BIGGER pusher of the water!!

It helps your skin and your lungs and your normal poop cycle. It helps flush out toxins and bad tasting food. It makes you feel full so you don’t eat more than you should. Many people do not drink enough water throughout the day. In fact, the majority of the time you feel hungry you are probably dehydrated and just thirsty for water!! It is true!

When you are thirsty something triggers in your brain to tell your body….meanwhile your body like to play tricks on you and tell you that it really needs a cup cake STAT!! (not speaking from experience at all!)

Anyway, I have had a lot of water today. I know this because I tracked it. So far I am up to  140 ounces!! Now if all that water would ease my hot flashes that would be awesome!

There is a rumor going around that menopausal women (like me) can’t lose weight. I am going to prove them wrong. Will it be overnight? Ha! Nope. Will it be next month? Well possibly but not enough for anyone to notice except the scale. Will it be overtime little by little with lots of trial and error? YES!!!! Logging my food on here has helped me a lot. It shows you and me that no one is perfect no matter how much fitness and health and behavior classes they have taken. That we all eat foods for a reason: Comfort, emotions, socializing. That we speak negatively to our selves about ourselves and there is no success in that EVER.

So with that said here is the food for the day for me:

Breakfast: vanilla shake with 1 cup spinach and 1/2 cup blueberries. Coffee with 3 tablespoons of vanilla almond milk, then an espresso with more almond milk.

I was taking classes this morning and I was cold and tired so I made another cup of coffee with almond milk. Then I wanted something sweet so I added two pumps of the sugar-free salted caramel syrup to a cup of decaf with , yes almond milk.

Lunch today was the last slice of pizza from yesterday and more of the greek salad with the balsamic vinaigrette on it.

I was feeling restless and bored so I had a snack today. Had humus and a serving of the Ritz Pita crackers. They are pretty good and I like the salty crunchy aspect of them today.

Dinner: Water first of course. Had shrimp that I cooked in olive oil and a little butter with some fresh garlic. Served it more of the greek salad (almost done with the salad enough for my lunch tomorrow)

So far today I am feeling pretty good about my food. Feeling full and emotionally satisfied too.  I have pooped today and as I mentioned 140 ounces of water.

No workout today. It was a lazy watch Netflix with the hubby do some studies and classes on-line kind of day.

How did you do?

What!?!?!

I am using every excuse in the book today to not workout. Headache, lack of oxygen, bloody boogers and awful, awful hot flashes. Cats on Instagram and making a butt load of coffee. No not a coffee enema! 
Oh the hot flashes!! Why are they back? I don’t get it. I am taking the meds faithfully. I know this because I have alarms set to remind me to take them no matter where I am. I have a timer on my computer at work that goes off and my cell phone has a daily alarm set too! I have to put everything on my calendar including this. Yet, I am back to having night sweats that last for at least fifteen minutes each time, and in the course of writing this very long running paragraph I have had two major hot flashes that my hair is dripping. YUCK!!!
I blame the headaches, boogers and lack of oxygen on the surrounding air quality. Our city is filled with smoke from the surrounding fires and it is playing havoc on everyone.
Yet the hot flashes….. I know it is a side effect from being shoved into menopause but I had them pretty well under control. At least manageable.  Why now? What in the last two weeks has changed that they are like this now?
Okay, I wasted enough time complaining that now I only have time for a shower and to get ready for work!!! HA HA HA HA HA my evil plan worked, no time for a workout now!!!!
and the excuses keep coming.. so easily distracted…..
I will get back on track. I will beat this hot flash monster. I will beat the lack of motivation. I will be a good example again. Right after another cup of coffee and a few more happy cat videos on Instagram. #goals

I don’t know who this is….

Something is off.

This week has been a tough week. No reason in particular. It just feels rough, out of sorts, extra long and just plain off.

I know it is me. I know that it is something in me that is off. I can’t place my finger on it. I am starting to believe that it is the medication I am taking to keep the cancer from growing back. At least that is what I am choosing to think.

I ache, all over. I can’t stop crying. My body is not recovering from exercising like it should. I am not even over doing the exercise, so that is not the excuse. I just feel off. I hurt enough to notice it but not enough to stop me from pressing forward. Going to work, working out, being ‘normal’ and to not call the doctor. Just off.

I find it troublesome when something is on the edge of your tongue yet still so elusive you can’t put your finger on it.

Last Christmas we celebrated somberly. I knew about the cancer and at the time I didn’t know what or when treatment was going to happen or by whom.

This year I celebrate Christmas somberly again. Thankful that I am in remission and that I am nearing my one year mark. Thankful that my family is closer and tighter than ever before. Grateful that I can close this chapter of my life.

At least that is the theory. The cold harsh reality is I am still fighting. Fighting to get sleep ( these 4:30 AM wake ups are rough) Fighting to get healthy (ugh, still fighting with the carbs) Fighting to move more (my motivation and endurance are still lacking) Fighting to find the good in every thing and everyone (it is there, I may not have it but I know others do) Fighting to find my new normal (blah I HATE that phrase) Fighting to not let the outside be reflective of my inside (I have changed, I try to hide that)

Things I have learned so far through all of this:

I have many friends. Some that I never knew I had. I also have less friends. One’s I never should have had.

I am way more into my appearance and hair than I ever thought I was. Who knew I had so much vanity? I honestly didn’t.

That no matter how determined and consistent I am, I still lose focus and energy and motivation to keep doing what is right.

That my job is just a job and it no longer brings me joy. I want more. I have also learned that over time doing the same mundane things you lose sight of the goal of wanting more and something different, something better. Changing and doing more was so intense I couldn’t breath or speak. That is gone. Worn away by the everyday. How did I let that happen?

I am different. My body is the biggest give away. My hair is obvious. My weight is even more obvious. All the scars and lack of nipple cements the difference. I am different on the inside too. Most days I am learning who I am now. Who I want to become. What I am made of.

I look at this picture I took yesterday in the bathroom at work. I took it because I was wearing a new lipstick that I bought from my friend and I wanted her to see what it looked like on me. I do not see Renee. I do not know who this person is. I don’t recognize her at all.

I do know that when I look at this picture I will not be her for long. I am going to fight whatever this ‘offness’ is. I am going to keep moving forward. I am going to wear a hat more often. I am going to believe that 2017 is the year of Renee. I am going to believe that there is only going forward, only becoming better, smarter, funnier, prettier and stronger.

I don’t know who this is. I do know that someday I will.

 

 

 

Last night I slept without a bra on….

I know this may not seem like much to you. In fact I would venture to guess the majority of people sleep without bras on. I used to be one of those people.

When I had the double mastectomy with reconstruction I came home from the hospital wearing a velcro wrap. It was tight and uncomfortable. It was necessary to wear to keep the swelling down and to make sure my new foobs stayed in place and would look symmetrical. Eventually I was allowed to exchange the wrap for a sports bra. I had to wear the sports bra all the time, including at night.

As time went on and the expanders were filled to the capacity I wanted, I was able to wear my ‘pretty bras’ again during the day. At night the expanders were so uncomfortable and unmovable that I would wear the sports bra or the surgery bra to bed to be a buffer. Laying on my side was tricky and the support of a bra helped.

Because of chemotherapy the exchange surgery had to be postponed for months. MONTHS! I had to wear the hard and awkward expanders for ten months. That meant continuing to sleep in a bra or some sort of supportive garment.

Last night I felt confident enough to sleep without a bra on. I slept on my side, on my back and on the other side. It felt wonderful and honestly I almost felt normal. NORMAL!?!?!?!?! Is that such a thing? I can’t even recall feeling normal, except for those rare occasional moments that last for just a minute or two.

I have a followup appointment this coming week with the plastic surgeon. I think everything looks great, as great as it is can get considering. I am looking forward to her telling me that. And that I will be able to jog again. And that I can wear my pretty bras that I just bought from an online company that specializes in bras for mastectomy and reconstruction patients. They are expensive but very pretty. I want to be as normal as possible, I think the new bras will help. So will the jogging. So will the ‘all is clear and good’ from the doctor.

No bra at night, pretty bras during the day. Who knows, next I might wear jeans again.

 

Just a few scattered thoughts..

Today I woke up with chaffing on my inner thighs! How can I get chaffing in my sleep?!?! All I can figure is the night sweats are so bad that the inner thighs are sticking together with all the slimy sweat that they are feeling chaffed but are really just chapped. Chapped thighs, from sweat, in my sleep. Can it get any sexier than that?

I know that this next surgery is going to directly affect my abs so in my Cancercize with Renee B videos I have been hitting them “hard”. I use that term loosely because I am still not at full workout capacity. It must be working because my abs are SORE!!! So sore that now I worry that I over did it and will make recovery very challenging.

Also, speaking of  Cancercize with Renee B on YouTube : https://youtu.be/3t8Agt5Cn0s As of today I will have worked out 120 days in a row!! IN A ROW!! This is huge in my eyes. Especially when you consider that I started after my double amputation and while going through chemotherapy. I know the workouts are not super intense and sometimes not very long. It doesn’t matter. I moved, on purpose, 120 days in a row. It is documented on YouTube. This makes me happy. No it is not why my thighs feel chaffed.

Surgery is tomorrow. I am not allowed to eat or drink after midnight tonight. That means no coffee in the morning. I get caffeine headaches if I don’t have a cup in the morning (not addicted) do you think if I drink coffee all day today it will hold me over? That is what I do with the water. I must have water first thing in the morning too or I feel lousy all day.

I find it odd that the hospital hasn’t called yet to do the pre check in. It is a different hospital this time but they are all part of the same network so maybe they just assume I read my letter from a few weeks ago and I just remember to not eat or drink. To not take ibuprofen one week before (I kind of forgot but I think it was a week ago I took it) To not shave the surgery area. I have no idea what I am to wear after the surgery since my stomach will have holes and be bloated. I do not have prescriptions yet for pain or infection. It is a bit unsettling. Maybe they will call today.

I think there is a possibility I do have chaffing after all. I tried to put jeans on the other day for work since it has ‘cooled’ off a bit over here. As soon as I put them on my body went into heat stroke mode….so put on the dress. That means thigh on thigh action when I walk at work. I need to find my Glide and apply it today.

I have decided. I am drinking ALL the coffee and all the water today. I am going to do a squat workout and later tonight some distressing stretching to calm my nerves. The chaffing will disappear since I will be not moving so much in the next few days. I am still going to see Paula. Chapped thighs and bloated gut and all.

Warned you, scattered thoughts. Thanks for hanging in and finishing this rambling with me. Have a great day!! I am all hopped up on coffee and nerves so you know mine will be entertaining to others at least. (:

Ha! My mind is moving everywhere!

Have you ever looked in the toilet when done and say: ‘that’s the perfect poop!?’ I have thanks to a Facebook story of the shapes of poop and what they mean.

Life is not about your waistline, yet you need to take care of yours so you can enjoy life. That’s a catch 22.

Is there really life after menopause? The sporadic, sweaty nights make it hard for me to believe in that fairy tail.

Actually no, I can’t just take a nap and feel better. Chemotherapy doesn’t work like that. I get really tired of explaining this. Yes, I look tired because I AM tired. It is from the chemo not the lack of naps. Possibly from the hot flashes in the middle of the night, but not because I need a nap.

Why can’t I get enough to eat? I am trying very hard to not PUT on weight. I am not able to lose any right now, but I don’t want to gain any either. This is hard when I am hungry all the time and ALL the food looks good. Even the semi-green potato salad at work in the vending machine. Yes I ate it. So far so good.

When I am tired I pretty much throw out the whole ‘no sugar, no alcohol, no non organic’ eating plan. Yes I see the reoccurring theme and irony.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Cinco de Mayo or as I like to refer to it: Cinco de Reneeo. I am expecting two wigs, a fun blue one and a fun dark one along with a skin/case for my computer. Last year I ordered the Star Wars movies. I like ordering things that end up showing up on my birthday. It makes me feel special.

This is my final random thought. Life really is short. It is easier to love. I choose to laugh. I choose to publicly document my random thoughts.