I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I am overwhelmed yet I ask for more work. Yes, I just said that. I asked for more work, more responsibilities, more growth, more. Just more. Now I need to find the balance. I will, I know I will.
So I have been dealing with a lot of emotional things these last few weeks. I don’t know how to explain it completely. It had a lot do to do with holidays, and wintertime. Darkening skies, colder temps, doctor appointments and weight gain. I have been wearing those emotions on my sleeve and others started taking notice. They have been worried about me. Today I decided to hide my emotions and bring back ‘happy , bouncy fun ball’ Renee. Turns out when I hide my emotions I feed them instead. That is what happened today. I fed ALL my emotions today. I think this is NOT called balance.
Here is how my food day played out:
Breakfast: coffee and creamer. Chocolate super foods shake with dark cherries and spinach.
Get to work and brew more coffee: two cups and creamer. Emotions are ready to be fed. I opt for a bag of single serving Funyuns.
Lunch came at about 2PM today for me. I was so thankful for my left over tacos from last night because all I could think about is hamburgers. I wanted a cheeseburger so bad. The two tacos were ground turkey, cheese and salsa. Had Kale salad with lemon dressing and parmesan cheese. So far so good…..
Then Manpower brought over Christmas cookies. I ate 4 and one-quarter. The one-quarter is because I bit into one and it was awful so I threw the rest of it away. I guess that is a victory, right?
That is a phrase that has been playing in my head for the last few days. Trouble is, I don’t really know where my heart is right now. Hard to work from somewhere when you don’t know where you are.
I chalk it up to wintertime, depression and my upcoming doctor appointments. I want a good weigh in for my appointment yet I keep eating the carbs. I know this won’t work yet I keep sabotaging myself. I wanted the scale to be down by five pounds more than the number above but it won’t happen.
Water: 125 ounces
Workout: Yoga balance. Move of the day.
Breakfast: coffee and creamer, two cups (one was decaf) Super foods shake chocolate, spinach and blueberries
Work: two cups of coffee with creamer
Lunch: tuna salad with celery and cauliflower. One slice of Daves Killer Bread. Half of a yellow bell pepper and 1 ounce of Cheez-its.
More coffee, decaf this time. Yes, there was creamer.
Dinner tonight was tacos. Yes the ones pictured above. I don’t know what it is about homemade tacos but I have to eat them ALL! I had four tacos tonight. I used ground turkey cooked in canola oil. Shredded cheese and salsa to top it off. Had a hard cider. It is the one listed above, it is made in Portland OR which is close to home so I had to try it. It is a true semi sweet. Not to bad.
I dove back into the left over ginger cookies. I had six of them. I think I will take the rest to work with me so I don’t eat them.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. Seriously, I didn’t. I have no idea how I was able to make it through work. I was numb in the mind and emotions (until the end of the day when I lost it) I am happy that even though I didn’t sleep I still got up and worked out with a friend. I promised I would and I showed up and that is what matters. I will tell you that I have no idea how in the heck I am still awake right now.!! I should be passed out, I feel very wide awake still. This is how it started last night. Ugh. Hope it is not another toss and turning with my brain not shutting off night..
Anyway here is how the food played out today. I have excuses but I am not going to use them. Here it is:
Breakfast was coffee with creamer, one cup. Super foods shake Cafe Latte flavor with spinach, almond butter and blueberries.
Get to work and have two cups of coffee with creamer and three Christmas cookies that a co-worker brought in today. Ugh. Tis’ the season.
Lunch was 1/2 cup of tuna salad with the cauliflower puree and celery. One slice of FFC bread. One cup of kale salad with parmesan cheese and croutons. Also had diluted lemon dressing. I wanted more food so I bought a bag of Tostitos corn tortilla chips (two servings in one bag) and a cup of Tostitos nacho cheese cup.
Dinner was TWO Angry Orchard Knotty Pear Hard Cider. One cup of frozen green beans, one tablespoonful of garlic aioli and the salmon burger pictured above. The salmon burger has carrot puree in it too. I was determined to FINALLY make this recipe forgetting that it called for putting the patties in the fridge for one hour first. Yikes! Who has time for that? So I popped them in the freezer and took a shower (I feel better after that) while they set. Hubby and I really enjoyed these! He had his on a bun. I saved one for me to have for lunch tomorrow. I will be making these again and again! So good.
I am only at about 125 ounces of water today. I did do my Yoga Flow on the Go workout this morning and that makes five days in a row. I am excited that I am developing consistency.
We went for a drive today. It took us over the passes. There was snow and fog the passes. I tried to snap a decent picture while we were driving. This is the best I could get. Having the snow on the trees made me want to listen to Christmas music. It was a nice drive. Because we were traveling we ate out twice today so my food may look a little questionable. I did make sure to drink plenty of water though.
Had two cups of coffee and creamer at home. Then we headed over to Clark’s Fork for breakfast. I had the “Trapper Wrap” it was filled with egg, potato, sausage gravy, and bacon. I ate half, gave a quarter to the hubby and picked the bacon out of the remains quarter. Had a 12 ounce white mocha too.
On the way back from our destination we stopped in St. Regis for snacks. I had a bottle of water and the hubby found a snack size bag of cheese gouda crackers. We split the bag, they were pretty tasty. You could totally taste the smoky gouda.
We stopped in Coeur d’Alene for a late lunch at our favorite grilled cheese restaurant, Meltz. We decided to split a ‘Gobbler’ This sandwich is amazing! Turkey, stuffing, gravy, sweet potatoes and cranberry aioli. This is my hubby’s favorite sandwich they have and it only comes out during the holidays. I hadn’t had it before. It really is very good. I had a cup of tomato bisque soup with chunks of parmesan in it. Sometimes I actually CRAVE this soup. We also had some of their homemade potato chips.
When I go home I ate three of the Girl Scout almond butter chocolates. Not a lot veggies today that is for sure. Tomorrow will be better. I HAVE to do better the next week. Doctor appointments coming up. Oncologist, DECA and yearly breast exams. Yes, I had mastectomy, no that doesn’t mean I can’t get breast cancer again. Yes, that means I have to still get checked out. Bleh.
… My husband was worried that he missed the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special the other day. He kept asking me if we had missed it. He was so happy to find out it was on tonight. I got home after work AND running to the store the night before Thanksgiving (crazy like that) Hubby said that no matter what he was watching Charlie Brown tonight and I was welcome to join him. So I did.
When I was listening to Darren Hardy today for my PD he shared something that stuck with me today: When in doubt choose the harder task. The one you don’t want to do is usually the one you SHOULD do. So much truth to that!! If I want a trimmer waist line then I MUST do the hard things. Like NOT going to the coffee shop for the special today. Which by the way was hard for me. It is maple spice latte, my favorite and I wanted one so bad……talked myself out of it. I will admit it took a lot of talking but I did talk myself out of it.
Anyway, here is the breakdown of food today:
Breakfast: Coffee with creamer, two cups. Today’s super foods shake was vanilla with spinach, mango almond butter and a splash of turmeric.
Got to work, SKIPPING the coffee shop mind you, and had four cups of coffee with the amazing maple almond milk creamer that I am now officially addicted to.
Long day at my desk waiting for FedEx to call me back, they didn’t so I snacked on some of the Girl Scout sea salted Cashews that I had just bought from one of my staff, you know to support their kid… (sheesh I am a sucker) had 1/2 cup of cashews.
Eventually I went to lunch about 2:30 because my team made me go. I wasn’t really hungry and I wasn’t super excited about my lunch either. I ate some of it; half an apple, 2 cups of spinach with pumpkin seeds and more of that dijon dressing.
After my “quick run” to the grocery store I settled into home for my dinner. Hubby made himself a couple of cheese crisps, I had veggies and an Italian sausage with one cup of the roasted veggies (they are so good still) and Wicked Green Apple cider the whole bottle.
Watched Charlie Brown Thanksgiving with the hubby and am currently cuddled up in a warm bed watching Monk on Amazon Prime. I am very happy in my little world right now.
I am a huge advocate of water but also I am becoming a huge advocate for writing it down. I carry this large notebook with me to work and back writing down every thing I eat and drink. It is part of the process of becoming the healthiest version of me. Tracking is a big factor in that. It is about learning what is working for me and what is not working for me. I can look back on my journal and know what I ate and if it made an impact on me.
Anyway I left my notebook at work tonight! I will do my best to reconstruct from memory how my food day played out.
Breakfast (this is easy enough) coffee with almond milk creamer. I don’t know why but I always feel like I am supposed to capitalize almond, weird. I had three cups this morning at home. Then my super foods shake was vanilla today with blueberries and spinach. Yeah I have spinach for my shakes again!
Get to work and have two more cups of coffee with the same creamer in it. I am hungry so I get a granola bar from the vending machine. It is one of those almond sweet and crunchy bars. I am sure they are not that good for you but very simple and satisfying.
Lunch was a spicy tuna roll (large, like two servings) with wasabi and ginger and a little soy sauce. I had a salad with poppyseed dressing too.
Dinner….well I get home tired and annoyed by external factors so I open an Angry Orchard and cook the turkey taco meat up. I make three crunchy tacos with lettuce and cheese. I have another hard cider and TWO more tacos!! Wow! I am such a sucker for tacos!! Hubby informs me he bought cookies so I help myself to two double stuff golden Oreo’s.
I have had 135 ounces of water today. No workout Taco Tuesday came a day late but it was good!!
Woke up today. Sometimes I feel like that is half the battle. The other half is minding my emotions when I don’t feel well or am tired. Seriously, it is hard to keep my mouth shut and my emotions from telling me to eat. Today was one of those days. I didn’t keep my emotions under control when things went wrong. I am tired from not feeling well and that didn’t help either. There is no food in the house and my plan was to go after work. That didn’t happen either. Too tired, too emotional, too many excuses.
I called my hubby told him I was leaving work and I was too tired to go to the store. He said come on home. I did. I ordered Chinese takeout. I am now over full and slightly embarrassed to tell you what I ate this time. Yet here I am confessing to you once again.
Breakfast: coffee with almond milk creamer (shoot I don’t have any for tomorrow) three cups. Cafe Latte super foods shake with almond butter and blueberries.
Went to work and had another cup of coffee with creamer. Then I ran up to the coffee shop and got a 16 ounce dirty Chai latte.
For lunch I had a cabbage/romaine salad with bacon bits and a maple bacon vinaigrette. Half of an apple. A serving of raw almonds.
Now dinner is a much different story: Chinese take out that involves seven fried cheese wontons dipped in sweet and sour sauce. Two spring rolls dipped in sweet and sour sauce. Broccoli, it came in the orange chicken container. Orange chicken, a few pieces of plain fried chicken that I, yep you guessed it, dipped in sweet and sour sauce. One fortune cookie that said ‘luck is coming my way’. Wish it said health and sleep were coming my way.
No workout today. Although I did shower so that is one step better than the weekend.
I think I am the only person I know who has injured themselves during a yoga practice. Once I fell out of a pose and injured my shoulder. Another time I fell out of a pose and injured my hip so bad I couldn’t teach Zumba for a month. Today I think I must have done one of the poses incorrectly and now pulled something in my lower back. It keeps locking up in a painful way..bleh.
Any way this is how my food played out.
Breakfast was coffee with almond milk creamer, two cups. Cafe Latte super foods shake with dark cherries and spinach.
Went to work and brewed a cup of coffee with half and half. Then I needed something stronger so I went to the vending machine and got a bottled Starbucks Mocha frap. I was feeling cold so I brewed a cup of decaf with more half and half.
Lunchtime I had shredded chicken with a Greek vinaigrette and cabbage, broccoli salad with green olives. Half of an apple, pita crackers and humus. It was all very good!
Had an incredibly stupid stress fun day at work. Guess I should call it a day at grade school instead! I don’t understand when it happened but at some point people stopped understanding how to listen and follow directions OR when they are “grown ups” but are acting like they are thirteen and have no common sense of what a work environment should be. Okay I will stop… I was just giving you a back story to explain my dinner.
My dinner was two Angry Orcahrd Easy apples and 3 mini bell peppers.
Yep. That is my “fitness coach” nutrition at it’s best.
I am proud to say that I did at least accomplish “dinner and done”
150 ounces of water today and Yoga practice that tweeked my back.
Friend time is my favorite! If it wasn’t for my friend Adam today I probably would have never gotten dressed today. Try story. I had grand intentions. Workouts and filming a new video for my YouTube page and fitness group. Some food prep. My usual Sunday things. Then I slept in for the Fall Back an Hour day. Still not used to the changing of time. I was spoiled by living in AZ. Anyway I was going to be a bum all day and sit in my jammies and just Netflix and chill out. At least I got an hour walk in around the park.
So this is how my poor, poor eating habits went this day:
Breakfast was three cups of coffee with creamer. Five yes FIVE waffles. Two of them I put some home-made raspberry jam on them. Then I cooked two eggs over easy and had two more waffles. Then when I finished cooking them started putting them away I noshed on another one!! Had a glass of grapefruit juice to wash it all down with.
Lunch wasn’t really lunch. I knew I was meeting Adam at 3 and wanted to leave early to get coffees for us and try to find the park road we always meet up on. I haven’t been on a walk with Adam for a few years and I wasn’t certain how to get there from my new place. Anyway, I had the rest of the humus and as many pita crackers as it took to eat it all. Got dressed and headed to Starbucks. I ordered the new Toasted White Chocolate Mocha. It was good, had a toasted marshmallow taste to it.
Headed up to the park and walked for about an hour or so. Most of the fall leaves had fallen which was too bad for Adam. He loves to take photos.
Came home and changed back into my jammies. Opened up a Rose Hard Cider and heated up the oven for our stuffed salmon. Don’t get too excited I bought it from the meat deli. It is salmon stuffed with crab. Made red potatoes for the hubby and I had kale salad with parmesan cheese and lemon vinaigrette. Had another hard cider and then one of the Halloween bite size dark chocolate Kit Kat bars that I had hidden in the fridge.
So much for dinner and done! I know it will be better tomorrow. Work brings a bit more structure so it will provide more structure for my food too.
Water wasn’t that great either. I had about 140 ounces today. Well below my average.
That was from my personal development today. Shield yourself from everyone else’s agenda. Meaning make sure to take care of you and not react to others or what might happen during the day. Be prepared to deal with them all with grace and peace…..ha!
That is NOT what happened to me today. I had an accusatory email followed by a doubtful email that makes me take every thing very personal. I become very protective of my team, Bleh. SO how do I cope? I eat. I eat it all and then some. …. here is how that played out today:
Breakfast: coffee with almond milk and a splash of sf vanilla syrup. Espresso with creamer and almond milk. Vegan caffe latte super foods shake with blueberries and spinach.
Got to work and stopped by for a Red Velvet hot 16 ounce latte. Regular boring Keurig coffee with 1/2 and 1/2.
Lunch: A slice of pizza and salad (pictured above) with balsamic dressing. A bag of salsa flavored Sun Chips and a Snickers bar. #doublebleh
Snack: six mini bell peppers
Dinner: #herecomesallthebleh Ritz Pita chips 34 of them the rest of the salmon dip. Half of the pita chips went into the microwave to have cheese melted upon them. Cracked open a bottle of Angry Orchard Knotty Pear.
See I started off with good intentions to shield myself… then I let my emotions and circumstances dictate how I respond. That is not a shield. It is a coping mechanism. #quadruplebleh
Water was good. 185 ounces and Yoga Flow this morning. SO there is that.