Salmon burgers…….

I didn’t sleep at all last night. Seriously, I didn’t. I have no idea how I was able to make it through work. I was numb in the mind and emotions (until the end of the day when I lost it) I am happy that even though I didn’t sleep I still got up and worked out with a friend. I promised I would and I showed up and that is what matters. I will tell you that I have no idea how in the heck I am still awake right now.!! I should be passed out, I feel very wide awake still. This is how it started last night. Ugh. Hope it is not another toss and turning with my brain not shutting off night..

Anyway here is how the food played out today. I have excuses but I am not going to use them. Here it is:

 

Breakfast was coffee with creamer, one cup. Super foods shake Cafe Latte flavor with spinach, almond butter and blueberries.

Get to work and have two cups of coffee with creamer and three Christmas cookies that a co-worker brought in today. Ugh. Tis’ the season.

Lunch was 1/2 cup of tuna salad with the cauliflower puree and celery. One slice of FFC bread. One cup of kale salad with parmesan cheese and croutons. Also had diluted lemon  dressing. I wanted more food so I bought a bag of Tostitos corn tortilla chips (two servings in one bag) and a cup of Tostitos nacho cheese cup.

Dinner was TWO Angry Orchard Knotty Pear Hard Cider. One cup of frozen green beans, one tablespoonful of garlic aioli and the salmon burger pictured above. The salmon burger has carrot puree in it too.  I was determined to FINALLY make this recipe forgetting that it called for putting the patties in the fridge for one hour first. Yikes! Who has time for that? So I popped them in the freezer and took a shower (I feel better after that) while they set. Hubby and I really enjoyed these! He had his on a bun. I saved one for me to have for lunch tomorrow. I will be making these again and again! So good.

I am only at about 125 ounces of water today. I did do my Yoga Flow on the Go workout this morning and that makes five days in a row. I am excited that I am developing consistency.

So, how did you do today?

Hurt myself during yoga…..

I think I am the only person I know who has injured themselves during a yoga practice. Once I fell out of a pose and injured my shoulder. Another time I fell out of a pose and injured my hip so bad I couldn’t teach Zumba for a month. Today I think I must have done one of the poses incorrectly and now pulled something in my lower back. It keeps locking up in a painful way..bleh.

Any way this is how my food played out.

Breakfast was coffee with almond milk creamer, two cups. Cafe Latte super foods shake with dark cherries and spinach.

Went to work and brewed a cup of coffee with half and half. Then I needed something stronger so I went to the vending machine and got a bottled Starbucks Mocha frap. I was feeling cold so I brewed a cup of decaf with more half and half.

Lunchtime I had shredded chicken with a Greek vinaigrette and cabbage, broccoli salad with green olives. Half of an apple, pita crackers and humus. It was all very good!

Had an incredibly stupid stress fun day at work. Guess I should call it a day at grade school instead! I don’t understand when it happened but at some point people stopped understanding how to listen and follow directions OR when they are “grown ups” but are acting like they are thirteen and have no common sense of what a work environment should be. Okay I will stop… I was just giving you a back story to explain my dinner.

My dinner was two Angry Orcahrd Easy apples and 3 mini bell peppers.

Yep. That is my “fitness coach” nutrition at it’s best.

I am proud to say that I did at least accomplish “dinner and done”

150 ounces of water today and Yoga practice that tweeked my back.

How did you do?

The bacon cheeseburger wins again….

…..My day started off with a cup of coffee with milk (I am out of almond milk and that makes me sad) make that two cups of coffee with milk. Did my Flow on the Go Yoga workout then had a cup of espresso with get this, the mocha almond milk cold brew…..so that is a ‘double’ in my opinion.  Made my healthy superfoods shake. Today was chocolate, spinach and frozen mixed berries. Same-o same-o..

Got to work had two cups of coffee with half and half. Helped myself to my LAST Little Debbie Swiss roll for a morning snack. Lunchtime rolls around and I have the beef patty with hot sauce on it. IT WAS HOT!!! It was the left over from the taco Wednesday. They make their salsa hot!! Glad I had the carrot and celery sticks to cool my mouth off. Had  some gouda cheese too. A little later on during the work day I broke down and got a coke. Grosses me out now that I am writing about it.

With the dawn of a new age and all the wonderful things we can do online I ordered my dinner online today and had it delivered. Thank you GrubHub…I think!! #notreally

We ordered from the local burger chain called Zips. I got the  pepper jack bacon cheeseburger with mozzarella sticks. THE BEST CHEESE STICKS EVER!!  And that is what my Friday looked like.  My poop may not be good tomorrow from all the cheese. So my body will punish me soon enough!!

Oh well. How did you do today?

 

Taco Wednesday…it’s a thing…

Let’s start backwards today. Mostly because my dinner was AMAZING tonight. I got home about 6:30 after work and talked the hubby into going to the local taco truck that now lives two very small blocks from our home. TWO BLOCKS!!! YIKES! Had the campencho taco special, at least I think that is how you spell it. It has meat, chorizo, onions, Serrano, jalapeño and cactus in it. Doesn’t that sound lovely? It was. I ate ALL three of them plus the re-fried beans and rice that came with the meal. NO regrets.

Lunch: hamburger patty, a pickle stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon (a friend brought it for me) black beans and  cauliflower risotto.

Breakfast: cafe latte superfoods shake with spinach and blueberries. Two cups of coffee with almond milk…. on my way to work I stopped by and got the special at the coffee shop. It was called the Oh Henry. It was english toffee and chocolate, it was perfectly lovely too!!

I didn’t stick to my eating plan for sure but I do not regret anything I ate tonight, not one bit. I worked out this morning. Drank lots and lots of water.  So all in all a good day. At least that is how I feel now…..when I weigh in tomorrow morning, we will see.

 

how are you doing?

Nacho average taco Tuesday…

The point of tracking and writing down my food is that it is supposed to help me get this eating thing under control. The theory is that if you have to take a notebook out for every little thing you eat you will want to stop eating so much just so you don’t have to write it down. I decided that I would confess my food in my blog and that will some how deter me from making such bad choices… so far it hasn’t. Yet I am still tracking and sharing… so here we go:

Breakfast: chocolate superfoods shake with dark cherries and spinach. Coffee with almond milk. Then a cup of espresso with chocolate milk.

Work: coworker was running late. To make it up to me he bought me a froo froo coffee. Coconut Cluster..it was good. Coconut, praline and vanilla in it. So good. I am quit positive it has a lot of calories in it though.

Lunch: Coca-cola, salad with homemade dressing, chicken, tomatoes, cucumbers and goat cheese.

Snack: I tried the coconut chocolate almond yogurt mix-ins by Yoplait..it was so good!! Also ate my raw almonds.

Then I drove home….and had tacos.. 2 old taco shells that I stuffed with shredded pork and cheese and a few black olives (sorry to those who don’t like them) and snap peas… I would have been alright if I would have just stopped there..but oh no! not me.. so I crumbled up the rest of the shells (five of them) and covered them with cheese and salsa and ate them like nachos. Then I decided I needed something sweet so I drank a glass of chocolate milk.

Maybe the trick is to log the food WHEN you eat it instead of at the end of the day. If I physically had to take a tracker book out each time I ate I wouldn’t have time to so I wouldn’t eat!?!

Have you tried tracking your food? Or any bad habit that you want to quit? Did it work for you?  I will keep on going.. something has got to change.. and it will be me and my appetite.

The food confessions continues..

Trying to write down EVERYTHING I eat is the challenge. Confessing it to you is the punishment. I don’t know, sounds good in theory….so here is the Friday update of carbo-loading for sleeping in on Saturday..

Breakfast: dense nutrition shake cafe latte with mixed berry…I always seem to get this part right.. then 3 cups of coffee with half and half. Stopped at the coffee shop and got a coconut crinkle…coconut, vanilla and praline flavored. Half way through I added drip coffee and more half and half to it…oh boy I see a cycle her.

Next I had a small piece of steak and a Bavarian sausage stick that was amazing!! (my ankles are starting to swell now) Lunch rolled around and that is what is my picture above…the rest of my friends steak, he claimed to not be hungry anymore I was more than accepting. Also pictured is the rest of the squash/mushroom/onion pesto thing I made the other day. Grabbed another soda, I don’t know why I keep drinking these things. Three this week alone! Prior to that it had been months since I had a soda. Weird. Also I had some carrot sticks to top it off.

Got out of work pretty early tonight, 5:30 to be exact. Just in time to make it to happy hour at the ball park. So dinner consisted of Angry Orchard and fried cheese curds. Went for a decaf vanilla latte (it was chilly tonight) and two churros…one for me one for the hubby. For whatever reason the churros were awful this time. Hard and extra chewy. Like chewing on leather. Did this stop me from eating it? Nope!! What is wrong with me? No seriously, who eats like this? ESPECIALLY who eats like this and expects to lose weight and be healthy??

One day at a time. Apparently one moment at a time. I WILL WIN THIS!
How are you doing on your relationship with food?

I don’t know who this is….

Something is off.

This week has been a tough week. No reason in particular. It just feels rough, out of sorts, extra long and just plain off.

I know it is me. I know that it is something in me that is off. I can’t place my finger on it. I am starting to believe that it is the medication I am taking to keep the cancer from growing back. At least that is what I am choosing to think.

I ache, all over. I can’t stop crying. My body is not recovering from exercising like it should. I am not even over doing the exercise, so that is not the excuse. I just feel off. I hurt enough to notice it but not enough to stop me from pressing forward. Going to work, working out, being ‘normal’ and to not call the doctor. Just off.

I find it troublesome when something is on the edge of your tongue yet still so elusive you can’t put your finger on it.

Last Christmas we celebrated somberly. I knew about the cancer and at the time I didn’t know what or when treatment was going to happen or by whom.

This year I celebrate Christmas somberly again. Thankful that I am in remission and that I am nearing my one year mark. Thankful that my family is closer and tighter than ever before. Grateful that I can close this chapter of my life.

At least that is the theory. The cold harsh reality is I am still fighting. Fighting to get sleep ( these 4:30 AM wake ups are rough) Fighting to get healthy (ugh, still fighting with the carbs) Fighting to move more (my motivation and endurance are still lacking) Fighting to find the good in every thing and everyone (it is there, I may not have it but I know others do) Fighting to find my new normal (blah I HATE that phrase) Fighting to not let the outside be reflective of my inside (I have changed, I try to hide that)

Things I have learned so far through all of this:

I have many friends. Some that I never knew I had. I also have less friends. One’s I never should have had.

I am way more into my appearance and hair than I ever thought I was. Who knew I had so much vanity? I honestly didn’t.

That no matter how determined and consistent I am, I still lose focus and energy and motivation to keep doing what is right.

That my job is just a job and it no longer brings me joy. I want more. I have also learned that over time doing the same mundane things you lose sight of the goal of wanting more and something different, something better. Changing and doing more was so intense I couldn’t breath or speak. That is gone. Worn away by the everyday. How did I let that happen?

I am different. My body is the biggest give away. My hair is obvious. My weight is even more obvious. All the scars and lack of nipple cements the difference. I am different on the inside too. Most days I am learning who I am now. Who I want to become. What I am made of.

I look at this picture I took yesterday in the bathroom at work. I took it because I was wearing a new lipstick that I bought from my friend and I wanted her to see what it looked like on me. I do not see Renee. I do not know who this person is. I don’t recognize her at all.

I do know that when I look at this picture I will not be her for long. I am going to fight whatever this ‘offness’ is. I am going to keep moving forward. I am going to wear a hat more often. I am going to believe that 2017 is the year of Renee. I am going to believe that there is only going forward, only becoming better, smarter, funnier, prettier and stronger.

I don’t know who this is. I do know that someday I will.

 

 

 

I push..

I push then I wonder why. My body screams move, then it screams stop it hurts, so I stop and my head screams why did you stop? push through, push harder, and all I can think is why, why am I doing this? is it to prove to myself? is it to prove to those who think I can’t? is it because I need validation, a victory, proof? run. NO walk. NO, run. NO, walk! NO, jog!! now even if it hurts, why? this is the battle in my head. who knew that wogging would be so emotional? I didn’t. I knew it was mental and physical but not emotional. It stirs up thoughts of failure, status quo, aging aching bones and muscles. it brings up doubts of can I do anything? or am I okay with just being where I am at? Am I all worked up from my online goals classes? do I have a real purpose? or just a challenge to prove to myself that I am strong enough, and smart enough and have no limits? I get excited because I have goals and a focus and am constatntly trying to reach them. It is exciting. then day to day life settles in and I doubt I can do them. what is the point? why does it matter? does anyone care but me? how can I a type B introvert be a type A confident person? what purpose does it serve? Then I remind myself… I LIKE having a goal, a purpose, a direction. I have never had one before that was so clear and concise. so real that I can taste it. so much more that I can be. No longer a status quo, a day in day out liver, but a doer, a focuser, a liver of life, a goal setter and achiever….. Why? maybe just for me? maybe just for a kick? maybe for someone else? maybe for the accolade? or simple acknowledgement that I am not dumb, lazy or unfocused. I am not sure yet of the why, but I am sure of the want.

Last night I slept without a bra on….

I know this may not seem like much to you. In fact I would venture to guess the majority of people sleep without bras on. I used to be one of those people.

When I had the double mastectomy with reconstruction I came home from the hospital wearing a velcro wrap. It was tight and uncomfortable. It was necessary to wear to keep the swelling down and to make sure my new foobs stayed in place and would look symmetrical. Eventually I was allowed to exchange the wrap for a sports bra. I had to wear the sports bra all the time, including at night.

As time went on and the expanders were filled to the capacity I wanted, I was able to wear my ‘pretty bras’ again during the day. At night the expanders were so uncomfortable and unmovable that I would wear the sports bra or the surgery bra to bed to be a buffer. Laying on my side was tricky and the support of a bra helped.

Because of chemotherapy the exchange surgery had to be postponed for months. MONTHS! I had to wear the hard and awkward expanders for ten months. That meant continuing to sleep in a bra or some sort of supportive garment.

Last night I felt confident enough to sleep without a bra on. I slept on my side, on my back and on the other side. It felt wonderful and honestly I almost felt normal. NORMAL!?!?!?!?! Is that such a thing? I can’t even recall feeling normal, except for those rare occasional moments that last for just a minute or two.

I have a followup appointment this coming week with the plastic surgeon. I think everything looks great, as great as it is can get considering. I am looking forward to her telling me that. And that I will be able to jog again. And that I can wear my pretty bras that I just bought from an online company that specializes in bras for mastectomy and reconstruction patients. They are expensive but very pretty. I want to be as normal as possible, I think the new bras will help. So will the jogging. So will the ‘all is clear and good’ from the doctor.

No bra at night, pretty bras during the day. Who knows, next I might wear jeans again.

 

One hour and 54 minutes…..

….not that I am counting.

Yesterday I had both drains removed. I HAD BOTH DRAINS REMOVED!!! WOOT! This is such a big deal. It really is. It means I no longer have to sleep with my ‘kangaroo pouch’ filled with octopi. My girdle has been removed too. Most importantly it means I get to shower today. I get to shower at 10AM today. I had to wait 24 hours after the drains were removed before I was allowed to shower. It is not that I don’t feel clean. I would wash my hair in the sink, sponge bathe and shave my legs often. But there is something about standing up in a shower with the warm water splashing all over. Being able to use soap on your whole body. Shower.

I am still on restrictions. I am still wrapped up with ace bandages and the surgical bra. I am not allowed to drive or lift over 2 pounds. Still have to sleep (ha! sleep is an elusive dream) on my back and not lift my arms above my shoulders for five more days.

There is a little bit of swelling on the top of my left foob so my bandage is wrapped high up on my chest and rubs on my armpits. It is what it is. If it doesn’t go where it is supposed to by Sunday I am to massage it for a few days to try to encourage it. Other wise I am stuck with it higher on one side than the other. I don’t really care. I don’t want to do anymore surgery. I can hide uneven breasts. Same way I can hide that I only have one nipple.

one hour and 37 minutes……

I think my friend Julie is coming over to collect me and take me to her place today. It will be nice to have a different change of view. I am sure it will still be me sitting on a couch watching t.v. but it will be with different company and a different couch. 

My husband posted the nicest thing about me on Facebook last night. He never posts things about me on Facebook. If he does it is rarely a ‘brag on my wife’ post. He does tell me face to face that he thinks I am awesomeSometimes a girl just needs to see him bragging about her publicly. Just like she sometimes needs to have flowers delivered to her at work for no reason.

“if there is one thing that Renee Breidenbach and I have learned over the past 12 months, it is how much the other one can endure.  #shecantakemore

See, it was nice and a moment where he bragged about me. It must be love.

I was going to post a picture of a clock counting down. Since I am so technology deficient I decided to go with a picture I already had on file. I am waiting for my storm to pass, yet I will be dancing in my shower soon.

I go back to work on November 7th. I am looking forward to it. Next week I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday but more importantly I have a mini spa day scheduled on Wednesday. I am having a spa facial, a posh pedicure and a haircut at my favorite Spa in town. It is expensive. I am worth it. It will be nice to be pampered for a day before I go back to the real world. Side note: my husband has taken great care of me and in a sense I have been pampered by him. He has done the dishes, gone grocery shopping, washed my hair, done laundry and etc. It will just be nice to be pampered in a different manner.

One hour and fifteen minutes….