Salmon burgers…….

I didn’t sleep at all last night. Seriously, I didn’t. I have no idea how I was able to make it through work. I was numb in the mind and emotions (until the end of the day when I lost it) I am happy that even though I didn’t sleep I still got up and worked out with a friend. I promised I would and I showed up and that is what matters. I will tell you that I have no idea how in the heck I am still awake right now.!! I should be passed out, I feel very wide awake still. This is how it started last night. Ugh. Hope it is not another toss and turning with my brain not shutting off night..

Anyway here is how the food played out today. I have excuses but I am not going to use them. Here it is:

 

Breakfast was coffee with creamer, one cup. Super foods shake Cafe Latte flavor with spinach, almond butter and blueberries.

Get to work and have two cups of coffee with creamer and three Christmas cookies that a co-worker brought in today. Ugh. Tis’ the season.

Lunch was 1/2 cup of tuna salad with the cauliflower puree and celery. One slice of FFC bread. One cup of kale salad with parmesan cheese and croutons. Also had diluted lemon  dressing. I wanted more food so I bought a bag of Tostitos corn tortilla chips (two servings in one bag) and a cup of Tostitos nacho cheese cup.

Dinner was TWO Angry Orchard Knotty Pear Hard Cider. One cup of frozen green beans, one tablespoonful of garlic aioli and the salmon burger pictured above. The salmon burger has carrot puree in it too.  I was determined to FINALLY make this recipe forgetting that it called for putting the patties in the fridge for one hour first. Yikes! Who has time for that? So I popped them in the freezer and took a shower (I feel better after that) while they set. Hubby and I really enjoyed these! He had his on a bun. I saved one for me to have for lunch tomorrow. I will be making these again and again! So good.

I am only at about 125 ounces of water today. I did do my Yoga Flow on the Go workout this morning and that makes five days in a row. I am excited that I am developing consistency.

So, how did you do today?

Angry Prawns for the win!

I tried to upload my picture of my dinner from tonight. It didn’t work.  We went to Picabu Bistro, once featured on Diner Drive Ins and Dives with Guy F. We used to live in that neighborhood and went quite often. They have this appetizer called angry prawns and it is soooo good! It will cure what ails you..seriously if you are coming down with cold, eat the prawns. If you are sad, eat the prawns. If you are celebrating eat the prawns.  So with that said it will be a bit tricky to log what I had for dinner but here is the best I can do.

Breakfast: Coffee with almond milk (two) Espresso with almond milk and Irish cream/chocolate syrup Had my chocolate superfoods shake with dark cherries and spinach. Stopped at the coffee shop and had a mocha maple spice latte. Very good.

Lunch: around 2PM today. A slice of FFC bread with tuna salad that I made with turmeric , bell pepper and cucumbers. Had the rest of the mushy cauliflower that I “steamed” overcooked in the Instant Pot (another story) Pita chips and humus.

Dinner: lovely dinner… Two yes TWO cranberry hard ciders, share the angry prawns appetizers with the hubby. Shrimp in a spicy creamy sauce and sourdough bread. Then I had a dijon steak salad. So good…. enough food for three meals…

Water: 150 ounces Workout: Yoga

How did you do?

Coffee and donuts….

Well here it is Friday and I am ready to confess my ‘off the track’ healthy lifestyle diet fails….again. #brokenrecord     I will tell  you now this will be different than all the other posts because it involves the Friday donut.    Here we go…..

Breakfast: half a cup of coffee because the Keurig would only brew A HALF A CUP!!!!! #blerg Vanilla shake with spinach, almond butter and 1/2 cup of blueberries

Decided to day to surprise my work team with donuts so I ran by the grocery store on the way to work to get two dozen donuts. Picked up a twelve pack of Mt. Dew to surprise the hubby with when I got home.  At the store I annoyed a lot of people because it took me forever to pick out the two dozen donuts for the guys. Wanted to get all their favorites.

Since the Keurig disappointed me I stopped by the coffee shop and got the special Maple Spice is still going. Very good.

Work: A cinnamon roll donut thing. I HAD to have one since I brought them, right? Had a meeting at work. Came down, ATE ANOTHER DONUT!!!!WHAT!?!?!?!? Yeah that is two donuts in a one and half hour span! Yikes!!

Then I drank 75 ounces of water in the next two hours to ‘wash out the donuts’

Lunch: Didn’t;t eat. Two many donuts. Too full.

3PM: ate my carrot sticks

Dinner: baked potato with butter and  a large grilled steak! Potato is a veggie, right? Brewed a sweet raspberry tea with Tito’s vodka added to it. Then for dessert I made a decaf coffee with Patron XO Cafe Dark in it with the last of the vanilla almond milk..

and that brings us to now….

Not the best day. But it is what it is and I am being accountable to you.

How did you do?

Taco Wednesday…it’s a thing…

Let’s start backwards today. Mostly because my dinner was AMAZING tonight. I got home about 6:30 after work and talked the hubby into going to the local taco truck that now lives two very small blocks from our home. TWO BLOCKS!!! YIKES! Had the campencho taco special, at least I think that is how you spell it. It has meat, chorizo, onions, Serrano, jalapeño and cactus in it. Doesn’t that sound lovely? It was. I ate ALL three of them plus the re-fried beans and rice that came with the meal. NO regrets.

Lunch: hamburger patty, a pickle stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon (a friend brought it for me) black beans and  cauliflower risotto.

Breakfast: cafe latte superfoods shake with spinach and blueberries. Two cups of coffee with almond milk…. on my way to work I stopped by and got the special at the coffee shop. It was called the Oh Henry. It was english toffee and chocolate, it was perfectly lovely too!!

I didn’t stick to my eating plan for sure but I do not regret anything I ate tonight, not one bit. I worked out this morning. Drank lots and lots of water.  So all in all a good day. At least that is how I feel now…..when I weigh in tomorrow morning, we will see.

 

how are you doing?

I don’t know why…

I don’t know why I get my hopes up. I know who I married. Don’t get me wrong I ADORE my husband Keith. He is so beyond amazing to me and all that I have put him through (see past blogs) but, lets face it girls we want men that just FEEL our wants without having to tell them, right? Ha ha. You are probably wondering, Renee what does this have to do with your accountability food blog you are starting? Well let me tell you…

Breakfast: 2 cups of coffee with the last of the almond milk creamer. Vanilla superfoods shake that after I added the fresh spinach and frozen blueberries it looked chocolate. Tasted good so that is all that mattered.

Work: (don’t you like how I make work a meal) 2 cups of coffee with half and half on k-cup cafe latte vanilla. 1/4 cup raw almonds

Lunch: 1/2 apple, homemade coleslaw and tuna with veggies.

Snack: I went to the vending machine. I really wanted wheat thins but we were out so I was going to pick up the Sabra Humus snack pack and saw that it was 320 calories!! so I picked up the savory snack pack. It was 130 calories total and had grapes, baby carrots, pretzels and little cubes of cheddar cheese. I felt pretty good about that choice and it helped hit the salt I was craving.

THEN I text my hubby and tell him how I am so, so, soooo hungry and I want spaghetti and meatballs with a crap ton of garlic toast and the strongest bottle of wine possible but that I would settle for drinking my water..I guess. He simply text back with “ok” “OK”!!! What the frak!!! What do you mean ok?? Can’t you read through the lines and see that I am STARVING!?!?!?!?

I get home hoping to find some type of dinner made for me involving lots of carbs. Nope. Nada. Nothing. Sigh. I love my husband I love my husband I love my husband… I really do I was just hopeful…. so here goes my horrible dinner confession:

Dinner: 2 packages of Little Debbie Swiss Roll snack cakes…not two rolls (1 serving) BUT 2 packs equaling 4 rolls. But wait there is more. While I am eating the chocolate and drinking a can of Truly hard sparkling water with the second can on the counter waiting to be opened and inhaled soon, I am cooking the hubby’s dinner of fettuccine alfredo. I think to myself, ‘Renee, you need some type of protein Little Debbie and alcohol is not enough for dinner’ So I pop a hot dog and some sauerkraut in the microwave for my “REAL” dinner.

bleh… I will get there. I know I will. I was thinking that I might make my shake my DINNER since I am always so tired after work and so hungry. It is fast and easy to make. Keith can fend for himself, right?

How are you doing?

Love eliminates….

Love eliminates the distance…..

When I went public with the cancer on my Facebook page so many people expressed their condolences. I think that is how I want to refer to it. Cancer is immediately thought of as a death sentence. Prayers and good thoughts were posted on my page. Along with how I should have been eating right and exercising and I wouldn’t have gotten cancer in the first place comments too.  It really opens your eyes to who your real friends are. To who really gets the concept of the diagnosis. It also opens your eyes to the many people who care about you and you had no idea they did. I have been trying to highlight some of the people who have made a difference through all of this. Today it is Chrissy.

I met Chrissy through Zumba and a fellow friend/instructor. I went to a Zumbathon for ALS that she put together and my dear friend Marilee helped with too. I had so much fun. When Marilee introduced me to Chrissy as another instructor she said ‘next fundraiser you will be in with us’. When she organized the fundraiser for the Humane Society she actually remembered me and asked me to lead a song!! This was the best thing that had ever happened to me in the Zumba community. I offered to have the company I work for donate items for the auction. After we chatted for a bit I found out she lived on Fruitvale and that was across the street from where I work. It made it easy for her to pick up the donation items.

Shortly after that her husband was being transferred, to Germany! Argh, I felt we needed more time to friend. She asked for my mailing address and assured me we could still Facebook. She was so good about sending out Christmas cards to the States. I don’t think I would have been that diligent.

When Chrissy learned of my cancer she would message me often to check in on me. When I would post my Cancercize videos she would cheer me on. When I would have hard days she would simply state she missed me.

One day a large box showed up at my door. It was a care package from Germany! It had chocolates, teas, cookies and jam. It must have weight about 30 pounds. Chrissy had taken the time to put a gift together for when I was going through chemotherapy. The teas and cookies were ones for sick stomachs and nausea. Some for sleeping, some for waking up. She took the time to write in English which ones were herbal, which ones were not. She wrapped everything in bubble wrap with such care hoping it would arrive safe.

This gift. So thoughtful, so unexpected, such a surprise. I never thought I was worthy of such an expense. Chrissy thought I was worth every penny of comfort that she could send from a long distance.

I am so thankful that we have technology to keep in touch. Thankful that you can ship hugs in a box. Thankful that Chrissy is in my life if only for a moment. Grateful that she is  in it for a lifetime.

Love eliminates the distance

 

What is love……

my son…..

Today is throwback Thursday on Facebook, I figured I should use a really old picture of my son. This was taken nearly 28 years ago. He was just a wee little thing. Four pounds and four ounces and nearly two months early. Who knew that tiny little boy who relied on me would one day have the tables turned and I would have to rely on him.

He was angry. When I called him and told him I had cancer he was in shock. Or perhaps disbelief or like me ‘dear in the headlights’ lost. When it sunk in he became angry. Not at me directly. He was angry at the cancer. Angry that there should have been something that I could have changed or done in my life that would have prevented it from happening. Angry.

I think Richard and I have a decent mother/son relationship. He genuinely likes me. He likes that I don’t pry into his life. I wait for him to come to me. We have similar tastes in literature, food and movies. Hanging out with him always blesses me.

The day I was released from the hospital he was there with Keith and my sister Windy. Assisting me from one side while Keith had the other. He would come and sit on the bed with me and watch hours of ‘Daria’ and ‘Pysch’ He came and sat with me so Keith could get out of the house. When someone was here to ‘watch’ me he went with Keith to a college basketball team. It was great Keith could get out. It was greater that his son was there to keep him company. Keep him distracted. Keep him encouraged. Keep him comforted.

My son has always been my biggest ally. When I was losing weight he pointed it out. When I would do a funny skit for his school, he wanted to be in it. I made spicy potato soup he bragged to everyone. Always my greatest cheerleader. Having him near me during recovery and chemotherapy meant a lot. To my brain and to my heart. Every minute I get to spend with him reminds me of what love is.

What is love? My son.

 

PS If this seems rambling I plead doped up on cold meds. I should be sleeping. I think I will go to bed now. Thank God it is almost Saturday.

Also here is a more recent pic of us…

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I don’t know who this is….

Something is off.

This week has been a tough week. No reason in particular. It just feels rough, out of sorts, extra long and just plain off.

I know it is me. I know that it is something in me that is off. I can’t place my finger on it. I am starting to believe that it is the medication I am taking to keep the cancer from growing back. At least that is what I am choosing to think.

I ache, all over. I can’t stop crying. My body is not recovering from exercising like it should. I am not even over doing the exercise, so that is not the excuse. I just feel off. I hurt enough to notice it but not enough to stop me from pressing forward. Going to work, working out, being ‘normal’ and to not call the doctor. Just off.

I find it troublesome when something is on the edge of your tongue yet still so elusive you can’t put your finger on it.

Last Christmas we celebrated somberly. I knew about the cancer and at the time I didn’t know what or when treatment was going to happen or by whom.

This year I celebrate Christmas somberly again. Thankful that I am in remission and that I am nearing my one year mark. Thankful that my family is closer and tighter than ever before. Grateful that I can close this chapter of my life.

At least that is the theory. The cold harsh reality is I am still fighting. Fighting to get sleep ( these 4:30 AM wake ups are rough) Fighting to get healthy (ugh, still fighting with the carbs) Fighting to move more (my motivation and endurance are still lacking) Fighting to find the good in every thing and everyone (it is there, I may not have it but I know others do) Fighting to find my new normal (blah I HATE that phrase) Fighting to not let the outside be reflective of my inside (I have changed, I try to hide that)

Things I have learned so far through all of this:

I have many friends. Some that I never knew I had. I also have less friends. One’s I never should have had.

I am way more into my appearance and hair than I ever thought I was. Who knew I had so much vanity? I honestly didn’t.

That no matter how determined and consistent I am, I still lose focus and energy and motivation to keep doing what is right.

That my job is just a job and it no longer brings me joy. I want more. I have also learned that over time doing the same mundane things you lose sight of the goal of wanting more and something different, something better. Changing and doing more was so intense I couldn’t breath or speak. That is gone. Worn away by the everyday. How did I let that happen?

I am different. My body is the biggest give away. My hair is obvious. My weight is even more obvious. All the scars and lack of nipple cements the difference. I am different on the inside too. Most days I am learning who I am now. Who I want to become. What I am made of.

I look at this picture I took yesterday in the bathroom at work. I took it because I was wearing a new lipstick that I bought from my friend and I wanted her to see what it looked like on me. I do not see Renee. I do not know who this person is. I don’t recognize her at all.

I do know that when I look at this picture I will not be her for long. I am going to fight whatever this ‘offness’ is. I am going to keep moving forward. I am going to wear a hat more often. I am going to believe that 2017 is the year of Renee. I am going to believe that there is only going forward, only becoming better, smarter, funnier, prettier and stronger.

I don’t know who this is. I do know that someday I will.

 

 

 

I push..

I push then I wonder why. My body screams move, then it screams stop it hurts, so I stop and my head screams why did you stop? push through, push harder, and all I can think is why, why am I doing this? is it to prove to myself? is it to prove to those who think I can’t? is it because I need validation, a victory, proof? run. NO walk. NO, run. NO, walk! NO, jog!! now even if it hurts, why? this is the battle in my head. who knew that wogging would be so emotional? I didn’t. I knew it was mental and physical but not emotional. It stirs up thoughts of failure, status quo, aging aching bones and muscles. it brings up doubts of can I do anything? or am I okay with just being where I am at? Am I all worked up from my online goals classes? do I have a real purpose? or just a challenge to prove to myself that I am strong enough, and smart enough and have no limits? I get excited because I have goals and a focus and am constatntly trying to reach them. It is exciting. then day to day life settles in and I doubt I can do them. what is the point? why does it matter? does anyone care but me? how can I a type B introvert be a type A confident person? what purpose does it serve? Then I remind myself… I LIKE having a goal, a purpose, a direction. I have never had one before that was so clear and concise. so real that I can taste it. so much more that I can be. No longer a status quo, a day in day out liver, but a doer, a focuser, a liver of life, a goal setter and achiever….. Why? maybe just for me? maybe just for a kick? maybe for someone else? maybe for the accolade? or simple acknowledgement that I am not dumb, lazy or unfocused. I am not sure yet of the why, but I am sure of the want.

It all started when I nicked my toe shaving……

I should have know that today was not going to be a good day. I didn’t realize it in the moment but I noticed it later. I nicked my big toe while shaving this morning. Yeah, I know TMI, yes I shave my big toes. Once you start you can’t stop, unless you are undergoing chemotherapy and loose all your toe hair.

Yesterday I did my Cancercize with Renee B workout https://youtu.be/JDLqZhLUKnA . It was ARMS. I attempted to do push ups and planks for the first time since the last surgery. I had horrible form and barely did five reps. I felt them all day yesterday. I feel them even more today. In fact my arms are pretty much useless at this moment.

I left for work and the roads were decent so I thought I would stop for gas before the weather was too cold and snowy. I pulled up to the pump and put my card in. It asked of my zip code. I entered it. The machine told me to go see the cashier. Nope. I don’t like human interactions with strangers. I try again. Same response. One more time. Negative. I grab my card and leave. Time is running out now to get to work on time. Why can’t I remember my zip code? #blerg

When I got to work everything that happened the first hour and half annoyed me. As soon as my supervisor came in I went and got coffee with her so I could get a hug. She asked if I was alright. I told her all I wanted to do was cry. That feeling pretty much stuck with me all day. I emailed my husband and told him how much I was struggling. His response was simply ‘keep smiling’ #men

As the day wore on I eventually had to put my hat on. My supervisor asked if I was cold. “No, my hair is driving me crazy” It is true, it felt like I had a big chunk of hair standing straight up and it would bounce when I walked. I couldn’t take it any more even if it wasn’t happening. So red shirt, green vest and purple hat day at work. #sexy

I left work and decided I would try to get gas again. I had looked up my zip code so I was prepared. I get to the pump, hop out of the car, my wallet hops out too. It spills out on the wet concrete. I put my card in and it just sits there. I take it out and try again. The pump would not read or register that I had put a card in. Ugh, I give up. I am tired and I ache all over, I am hungry and I just want to go home pour a glass of wine and eat something that I don’t have to make.

By the time I got home, after dropping my lunch box once and keys twice I was done. I walked in the door and throw all my stuff on the floor and extend my arms. Thankfully hubby responded correctly. #redeemed He got up and just held me. I cried a little but we did not speak. I needed that hug. I needed wine too. I don’t keep wine around anymore but I had a bottle of this wonderful lemon basil hard cider. Had to make dinner because neither of us wanted to leave the warm, dry house. And honestly I just can’t eat anymore pizza at this point.

After I had my first glass of cider, another hug and some food I finally feel like myself. Or close enough.

The picture of the wine glasses was from a New Year’s a few years ago. My glass was big enough to hold an entire bottle of wine. I named her Big Bertha. Sadly she broke about two years ago. At least I have pictures to remember her by.

Somedays are just struggle days. I don’t know why. Emotions, worries and physical hurts can really play tricks on you. I am very thankful this day is over. Or close enough to over.